A few weeks ago now, I asked Callie what it was that we haven’t done together, sexually, that she would like to play with. In some ways there is a lot we haven’t explored yet, many things she and I have brought up between us that we have not or have barely began to introduce: knives, rope and bondage, spanking, flogging, fisting, 69, role play, force, sensation.In response, she brought up force. I have told her that I like some resistance, so she asked: “How much can I resist?”

Asked me that with that teasing harlot little-girl voice of hers that she gets when she starts to want. That lilt that reveals desire and submission and a test of the waters to see if I want what she wants.

Oh, god.

“A lot,” I answered. Oh, a whole lot. “You’re pretty strong, actually, I think you could hold your own against me.”

“So why would I be resisting?” she asked. “There are lots of reasons why attraction or sex or seduction would be conflicted … it could be forbidden, it could be naughty, we could dislike each other … ”

I never quite thought about it like this before - or, never needed to think about it like this. I don’t need a reason, an explanation, behind my own actions during sex. I’ve never much been into role playing - I’ve written before that while I am into sensation, Callie is into power. And this is just how her mind works: she needs to keep it occupied, otherwise it will wander, create scenarios, work on overdrive continuously.

Role playing has rarely come into my sex play, and is almost never in my fantasies. So, I told her some of this.

At the same time, there are some places in sex that I’d like to go, things I’d like to explore, like force and other power dynamics, and sometimes I am just too damn sweet during sex for my own mind to let go and really get raunchy, or mean.

I feel guilty - I get afraid of taking things too far, of hurting her, of being too much, too strong, too overwhelming, somehow crossing that line into … exploitation.

And some fantasies, no matter how much I am interested in them or that they turn me on, I feel so guilty about, I’m afraid to touch them.

Like, for example, force. If it’s just she & I rolling around on the bed and she’s resisting me a bit and I’m holding her arms above her head or bending one behind her back, it’s still just her & me, and it’s about sensation, being present, playing with our bodies. But thinking about pretending to be in a situation where I am playing a role that is going to take advantage of her, I lock up.

I mean, that’s not nice. In fact, I think it is completely wrong of someone to do. I think that’s pretty easy to understand.

I hesitate in the force-power play even without the fantasies, when the roles are added in there - especially socially or emotionally charged roles - I feel blocked.

But underneath that guilt, I want to play with some of these roles and power dynamics. I am definitely turned on by it, just a bit scared of it too.

Another thing Callie has mentioned in passing that she likes is age role playing, where someone is much older or younger than the other person. So we talked about this; it’s another area where I feel a lot of guilt. Imagine a scenario where I am an older guy, and she is a young girl, teenaged, fifteen - I would never want a girl to be in that situation, why would I want to play the part of someone who was taking advantage of her? Especially in a society where that happens all the time?

And Callie said: “Well, if you don’t fetishize little girls, then it probably wouldn’t work for you.”

Yes, true. I don’t fetishize little girls. I don’t see them as sexual - not even teenagers, either, though their sexuality is often oh-so-explicit.

But I do fetishize Callie. And I’m do believe that we carry around every age of ourselves inside, teenagers and pre-teens and little kids, even some older and wiser versions in our psyches somewhere. What was she like as a teenager? What kind of power did she have over older men?

I’ve seen photos of her from her childhood, and definitely found myself thinking that I was attracted to her fourteen-year-old self in a way that made me very uncomfortable. I felt like a bit of a pervert … but I am also very curious.

Here’s the second part of this process of guilt and fantasies for me. I feel like there is a conversation that needs to be had before ever playing a fantasy through about the why behind the fantasy. What is this pulling on for you? Were you ever in this situation? Why is it sexual, why is it appealing? I really want to know that stuff, to clear the air and our minds of whatever is being pulled on inside of us in these scenes, because I don’t want to do any damage.

I know sometimes people play out sexually experiences that happened to them. Looking at that list of the scenarios I came up with, the ones that turn me on the most are the ones I was involved in, or nearly involved in - and they are also the scenes I am the most terrified of.

But I think those scenes can also be replayed and re-created in ways that are healthy and ways that create opportunities for growth and healing. I am so, so interested in those moments, in those scenes.

Sex can be a powerful healing force.

So, we talked about this. Why force, why the attraction to being a young girl (or exploiting one), why is power sexy.

This feels like a whole new level and interaction and way to approach sex and role play for me, and for Callie & I together. We haven’t done this yet, but we’re talking about it (a lot) and beginning to plan some scenes.