flight and migration

A red balloon tattooed on the side of my lower right leg. Small, simple, looked like it was floating, maybe the string wrapped around my ankle a little bit. That’s what I visualized clearly yesterday, randomly. Perhaps a little shadow of a person holding the string on the back of my ankle. I have a few tattoo visions really, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever actually get one. Those with tattoos say they’re addictive.The other one I want right now is a (small) flock of (small) birds (starlings perhaps?) on my left shoulderblade, with one perched, not flying, more on the chest side of my left shoulder.

Apparently, I am being drawn to flight.

Protected: when is it enough?

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Protected: fighting

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new rules for being me

dear self,

it’s okay to be scared. it’s okay to be a little mad at me, but don’t be too hard on me please. this wasn’t planned, this isn’t the end of the world, it matters more how you deal with this sticky awful complex situation than whether or not you could/would have avoided it all together.

this is an opportunity for growth, for change, for fixing something that isn’t working. these are growing pains. this is hard, and that’s okay.

these are the new rules:

  1. be honest. especially to yourself.
  2. be daring. jump into the unknown confidently and trust there will be something there to break the fall. the moment you step off is the moment you touch down.
  3. be kind. think and think and think before saying or doing things that will hurt other people’s feelings, and try to do the kindest thing, if possible. treat these beautiful women (and everybody) with respect, because they deserve that.
  4. have courage. you are strong. worthy. worthwhile. try to remember that.

something has to change

dear girlfriend,

we’ve been together almost four years and it isn’t working.

um, i’m not sure what else to say except that.

i’m not sure what you’ll say. you knew when you left for africa for the summer that it was a gamble, you were afriad I would fall for someone else or leave you or both and look, voila, here we are. I have confronted you, told you what I needed, asked for your help to fix us, at various times in the past and things have never changed. even if you said just what I wanted you to say – that you love me, you’re committed to work on this, that you want to, that you’ll fight for me – I’m not sure that’s enough anymore.

no. it isn’t enough anymore. and even if those things change, I don’t think it will be enough. we’re too different, we want different things, our life paths are going different places.

funny, sometimes i think this stuff up to tell you and I see your reaction as completely calm. not only you were expecting it, but you agree, and have some relief to be free of me.

it is not a relief to be leaving you, to be without you. it’s terrifying. I know what it feels like to break up with someone, both with desperate wanting that nothing will stop and with some hesitation but with knowledge that it’s the best thing. this is neither of those, this is only terror and anxiety.

but somewhere underneath I still know it has to happen. something has to change. and since it hasn’t been you, I think it has to be me.

Protected: do I dare?

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Protected: she’s gone

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Protected: … it could have

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