journal entries

Writing Spicy: Online Erotica Writing Workshop Series

Quarantine and sheltering in place has been intense. I don’t know about you, but for me, I have struggled with both my writing practice and with my erotic life through the pandemic. At times, I haven’t had any energy for either. But as I have started actively feeding them both again, and tending to them anew, I am finding my interest in them stronger and more dedicated than ever.

Come join me and dive into writing erotica. Bring your desires, your kinks, your pleasures to the page and play around.

About Writing Spicy:

(Yes, it used to be called Pen Play — but I’m renaming it!)

This is a four week class on constructing erotic stories. Part classroom, part writing group, we will explore the craft of short erotic stories, focusing on the craft of storytelling and how erotica is different than stories without erotic content. You will have something short to read and a writing assignment each week to turn in. Participants will have the opportunity to share their work with each other and give constructive feedback on it. We will meet weekly on Zoom to discuss the readings, workshop selected participant pieces, and answer your questions.

In the class, we will cover some of the fundamentals of a writing life, such as: giving and receiving feedback, techniques to strengthen your writing practice, how to get published, tools for editing your own work, and more. At the end of the class, you will have rough drafts from writing prompts and homework ready to polish and submit.

This class is made for folks who are beginners to intermediate writers and who want to hone their craft and publish more work. You do not have to have published anything. All genders, all sexual orientations, all experience levels welcome — no specifics required. Queer characters and kinky acts not required, but this will be a queer-focused and kink-positive space. It will also be kink-positive and trauma informed (to the best of my ability).

Webinars will be recorded and available to download; you do not have to attend live.

Sliding scale available, email [email protected]

Dates:

Sundays, September 19, September 26, October 3, October 10
4-6pm PT / 7-9pm ET

How to sign up:

1. Venmo $200 to $Zed-Sinclair with your email in the text (the email part is important!). (If it asks to put in the last four digits of my phone number, just click at the bottom where it says “skip this step”.)

2. If you can’t pay via Venmo, email me [email protected] and I’ll send you a different way to pay.

3. Once payment is received, I will send you an email with next steps, which include signing up for the Google Classroom and filling out an intake form.

Last day to register is September 17.

I believe stories matter. Telling our stories matter. Sharing how we as queer, kinky, gender radical people live, love, lust, and desire, helps to support others like us, to feel less alone. We still don’t have enough depictions of our truths out there in the world! And I believe we all have stories to tell. Writing isn’t the only way to share them, but it is the craft I know best, and I am excited to share what I know with you all.

Questions?

Do I have to write erotica?
Nope. You can be working on any kind of writing — poetry, plays, short stories, a novel. It could include erotic content, but it doesn’t have to. We will be talking about the things that are different about writing things with explicit sex in them, but what you turn in as your writing assignments is up to you.

Will the webinars be recorded?
Yes! Webinars will be recorded and available to you to download after they are live.

Will you have an ASL interpreter for the webinars?
Yes; please get in touch at [email protected] I will do my best to accommodate different access needs.

Do I have to publish my work?
No. There’s no requirement to publish, but this class is intended for folks who are pursuing writing with some seriousness and are interested in sharing their work more broadly. We will spend some time going over tips and procedures for publishing.

What kind of feedback will I get?
We focus on giving feedback in the Amherst Writer’s Method, which enhances what is working in the piece and gives the author feedback to encourage them to play to their strengths. The feedback will focus on what’s working, what we love about it, and what stays with us.

Do I have to share my work with the class?
No, it’s optional to share your work. Participants will be encouraged to share their reactions to each other’s work in a particular framework, using primarily positive feedback, and all participants will be able to ask for the kind of feedback that they would like to receive, which could be things like some critique, positive feedback, or just to witness with no feedback at all.

Will there be content warnings? Is this trauma-informed?
Yes, we will use content warnings in this workshop, to let everyone decide what they are equipped to read and make decisions with agency. More details about how to use content warnings will be in the class guidelines. I have studied trauma, restorative justice, and community safety in various form, and I will do my best to keep the needs of survivors forefront in the structure of the workshop.

I can’t afford $200. Is there a sliding scale?
Yep, contact me to work out the details and we’ll make it happen. [email protected]

More questions?
Email me, [email protected]

journal entries

Five Steps To Getting Your Erotica Published

Getting your erotica published isn’t as hard as you might think it is. Here’s a few places to submit your work and some suggestions for how to do it.

1. Write some erotica!

This is actually one of the hardest steps. If you’re already writing all kinds of dialogue through text message (or in your head, before it comes out of your mouth), you’re a step ahead right there. If your sexting becomes elaborate settings and plots and characters and costumes, you are well on the way. If you lie awake at night thinking about the next scenes in your story, and what kind of sex toys the characters will use, and how they’ll transition from one to another … no? Just me? Okay.

Seriously though, the writing of it is a really hard part of it! Most people never do this part. If you have, congrats. Share

2. Proofread & Edit

You absolutely have to proofread and edit your work before you submit it.

3. Research where to submit it

At any given time, there are usually at least a few erotica anthologies out there with a CFS — call for submissions — open and actively looking. My personal favorite places to keep an eye on are the Erotica Readers & Writers Association and Lambda Literary Foundation, but that’s because I write queer erotica, and mostly short stories. If you want to get a full length novel published, you’ll want to look at publishers accepting submissions. One way to figure that out is to research which publishers have put out some of the favorite erotica that you’ve read. Perhaps you’ll find that two or three or seventeen titles that you adore were all put out by the same press — check out their website for their submission guidelines and keep an eye on when they accept new submissions.

The same thing goes for erotica anthology editors that you like to read — if Rachel Kramer Bussel’s books inspire you, keep an eye out for her calls for submission. (You can get on her mailing list and she’ll send updates. And the ERWA has a mailing list, too.)

PS, I am looking for lesbian (in the broadest possible sense of the word) erotica, and Mx Nillin Lore is looking for trans & nonbinary erotica right now, due in late October and early November respectively.

4. Read the CFS very carefully and follow instructions

Calls for submission are usually very carefully crafted by the press, publisher, or editor. Read it carefully — print it out, highlight the important stuff, and take notes. Make sure your project fits the guidelines. If it doesn’t, or you aren’t sure — just ask! Send a query to the editor or publisher with a short (SHORT) summary of what you’re working on, and see if it’s something they’d like to see. They might just send back something like, “I dunno, send it and we’ll see,” which is fine. Just send it, and see.

After you’re pretty sure you have all the guidelines covered, make sure you follow the instructions carefully when you send it in. Guidelines are there for a reason! And you will stand out as unprofessional and unexperienced if you don’t follow them. Look, mistakes happen — you don’t have to beat yourself up about it if you don’t follow exactly. But, do your best.

5. Send it off! And collect those rejections.

There it goes!

Say a prayer, light a candle, do a chicken dance — whatever makes you feel good. My writing group has a text thread and we text each other when we submit something, and when we get a rejection, and we all send funny gifs of support and celebration.

Early on in my writing career, I was given the advice to collect 100 rejections. Rejections mean you are trying, you are putting yourself out there, and it is brave and bold to do so. It is not your job to force the acceptance, but rather to keep offering your work to the world.

Of course, if you’re really not finding much traction with publishing, you can consider self-publishing. Even medium.com is a fine place to start building an archive of work — and maybe even fans. Places like AO3 have launched writers. Self publishing is an option; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So, are you going to submit something?

Hope you do. We desperately need more depictions of queer desire, queer sex, queer kink, and queer lives in the world. There are still not enough examples of our sacred lives. And if you’re called to contribute to that deep sharing of body and desire truths, please do.

I can’t wait to read it.

kink

Five Great Kink Podcasts You Should Be Listening To Already

Podcasts aren’t everyone’s thing — sometimes people just don’t process information though audio, and sometimes we just don’t have the kind of lifestyle where we are doing things with our bodies but our minds can engage with something else.

But if it is your thing, there are some fantastic kink, leather, and BDSM podcasts out there. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

Feminist Erotica Podcast

Jera Brown, Karen Hawkins and Princess McDowell triple host this fantastic collection of erotica readings and talking to authors about writing and sharing erotic work. I’m biased here, as erotica is just one of my favorite things ever to talk about and dig into, but the hosts do an incredible job of asking tough questions and getting very deep answers.

Start with: Interview with Rachel Kramer Bussel, who has had a huge effect on the current erotica landscape, particularly with anthologies.

The Dildorks

Kate Sloan & Bex Caputo host this epic ongoing conversation about all things sex, kink, sex toys, sex culture, D/s, nonmonogamy, and more. The two friends go over so many topics with wit, thoughtfulness, and thorough thought experiments, and they bring on guests often. (Fun fact, I’m in episode 93 and 215, talking about protocol and erotica writing, respectively.)

Start with: Episode 238, Out in the Open, about public sex.

Why Are People Into That?!

Tina Horn delivers incredible conversation and interviews with dozens of kinky folks, both professional and lifestyle, talking about fetishes and why people are into (sometimes very) specific things. Fun fact, I was actually her first guest, talking about strap-on sex!

Start with: Empress Wu on Cannibalism.

Mean Mommy Kink Podcast

This is brand new! Jaki Griot and Miss Lola Sunshine are promising real conversations from two Black Queer Femme Tops, and I am so excited about listening in. Episode one was a blast and I can’t wait for more.

Start with: episode 1! Because why not? And get ready to be excited about when new ones come out.

Bawdy Storytelling

Bawdy Storytelling is kind of a given for this list — if you don’t know about the phenomenon that is Dixie De La Tour and her incredible live shows, now recorded and put out as a podcast, I’m sure you will soon find references to it everywhere. Dixie is an incredible host and audience fluffer, and she coaches all of her storytellers to tell even better stories — off the cuff — of kinky, sexy delight.

Start with: Marcia B’s story about cock cages and quarantine, or honestly, just about anything, this show is fantastic.

Hope you find some great kink to listen to!

Got favorites I didn’t mention? I do too, to be honest. But please, leave them in the comments and I’ll make sure to check them out, if I haven’t already!

kink

D/s Protocol Ideas For You To Try

When I started in D/s relationships (12+ years ago, now!), I was so thrilled to have someone who would say that they would do what I told them to do, or who was interested in having more protocol, feeling like their behavior was being dictated and controlled, and having tasks to do for me. I felt like a kid in a candy store!

But the problem, immediately, was: what protocol do I do?

It has taken me a long time to figure out my own sense of protocol, what works for me, what doesn’t, what works for my particular submissive, what doesn’t, and what is just too much work. I wouldn’t say I’m lazy (not sure I believe laziness exists, really), but I definitely want a high return on my investment, and if it isn’t worth it, I lose interest quickly.

When I started thinking about protocol, I just wanted to peruse a big list of brainstormed protocol to get my mind going, but I didn’t find anything like that. It really helped to figure out the areas of control that held the most interest, which became the key to brainstorming protocol within the different areas — but I still could have used support to specifically come up with protocol.

rife made a “protocol mad libs” worksheet a few years ago, which can be helpful to think about the structure of protocol, and might help with brainstorming some specifics.

Protocol Mad Libs includes these fill-in-the-blank sentences:

  • Every time you _____, do ______.
  • Daily 5 minute meditation on ______.
  • Wear ______ every day.
  • Set an alarm to remind you of ______.
  • Each day, ______ before bed.
  • No ______ without permission.
  • When you wake up, ______.
  • Make sure to ______ whenever you ______.
  • ______ [Journal / make art / voice memo ] daily.
  • No ______ in the house.
  • Text [person] ______ daily.

Hope those are helpful structures to create some protocol for yourself or your partner!

But now, for the big announcement …

Recently, rife and I made two decks of protocol cards. The idea is to use them with the Protocol Game structure, but honestly, you can use them however you want.

I love how they turned out! (rife is an amazing designer.) There are two different decks, one purple and one orange. The purple deck is the basic, with 52 different protocols on different cards, and some blanks. The orange deck has blanks like the protocol mad libs, above, which have duplicates, and you can build your own set of cards by filling in exactly what you want.

This is the list of what’s in the basic purple pack:

  • masturbate daily
  • take a sexy selfie daily
  • record a sexy fantasy in a voice memo
  • set an alarm to go off twice daily with an affirmation
  • edge every day, but do not orgasm
  • give or receive a massage
  • take extra time to pamper your body daily
  • find an erotic story that turns you on
  • find porn that turns you on
  • wear sexy underwear daily
  • make your own kink toy from household items
  • write a kinky or sexy affirmation and put it up somewhere you will see daily
  • draw or journal about a scene you have had
  • draw or journal about a scene you want to have
  • try a new toy or position during sex or self-pleasure
  • find & complete a Yes No Maybe checklist
  • research local or online kink groups you could join
  • spend one hour researching or practicing a new kink skill
  • make a conversation date with a kinky friend
  • watch an online class about kink [QR leather couch
  • find a place in the kink community to volunteer
  • research the hanky code and note your top 3
  • visit the Leather Archives & Museum, POCKLE, Carter-Johnson Library, NCSF, or other kink community resource websites
  • go to KinkAcademy.com and watch 3 free videos
  • make an erotic bucket list
  • read a chapter of a kink book every day
  • make a wishlist of your ideal sex and kink toys
  • watch a kinky movie
  • journal about an important moment in your kink journey
  • update or create your Fetlife profile
  • explore your asshole in the shower
  • wear only sexy underwear or an apron while you do housework
  • wear something that reminds you of your kink every day
  • give someone a compliment daily
  • think about kinky things as you brush your teeth
  • listen to a kink podcast every day
  • make a playlist of your favorite sexy songs
  • clean and organize your sex or kink toys
  • flag with the hanky code every day
  • try bootblacking your boots, shoes, or leather
  • write something kinky on your body in a secret place
  • groom your pubic hair in a new way
  • repeat an affirmation each morning when you wake up
  • create a coming home from work ritual and do it every day
  • research submissive positions and note which you like

Want to buy copies of the Protocol Game Card Decks? Get ’em in the Sugarbutch shop


 

You can buy them individually (basic set | fill-in-the-blank set) or you can buy them both and save $5.

miscellany

Elust #140 includes my story “Crave”

 

Elust is the only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #141? Start with the rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Cunnilingus – Techniques, Do’s, Don’ts and Attitude

Angles In The Extreme

Do you know everyone on your list?

Erotic Fiction

Emma’s Desire

Boys Rope

Erotic Non-Fiction

Crave

Bi MMF and DP with a Couple

What’s it like to be an Escort

Kinky Dublin Tour

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Summer Pride Colouring Contest

Books and Movies

Book Review- The Ethical Slut

calls for submission

Call For Submissions: Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 7 (2023), due October 31, 2021

Editor: Sinclair Sexsmith
Publisher: Cleis Press
Deadline: October 31, 2021
Payment: $50 and 1 copy of the book within 90 days of publication
Rights: non-exclusive right to publish the story in this anthology in print, ebook, and audiobook form. Authors will retain copyright to their stories.

Stories should be between 2000-4000 words.

Please submit your work through this Google form: https://forms.gle/rKpFPU1tE4URMdMUA.

DETAILS:

Sinclair Sexsmith is editing the next volume of Best Lesbian Erotica, and is looking for your best sexy stories about queer women.

“Queer women” is intended to be in the broadest sense of the word, including, but not limited to: trans women, women of all kinds of gender expressions, cis women, and nonbinary folks who are rooted in lesbian and queer culture are all welcome. Neopronouns can be used.

Representations of queer women, non-binary people, and trans women’s sexuality that are not as frequently seen — with ability, race, ethnicity, class, neurodiversity, ace-spectrum, size/fat, age, religion, or other social justice politic viewpoint — are particularly of interest.

Writers who have not previously published are encouraged.
Writers of color are encouraged.
Trans women writers are encouraged.

The anthology is not limited to certain kinds of sex acts. “Vanilla,” BDSM, fetish, ace, and all kinds of sensual and sexual expression are welcome. I look for a wide variety of sexual identities: mommy, mistress, sir, puppy, girl, servant, etc.

I will consider reprints of stories published in 2021, but prefer unpublished stories. No simultaneous submissions. Up to two submissions per author. No poetry or speculative fiction. Stories should be between 2000-4000 words.

Submissions in English required; American English not required, but we will edit it to be in American English for final publication. If there are cultural specifics, we’ll work on how to translate them into American English during the editing process.

Characters must be a minimum of 18. All stories have to be within legal guidelines, including no incest, beastiality, necrophilia, consent violations, or other illegal acts. If something illegal happens in the story, it should be within a context where it’s understood it’s illegal in some way.

Queries are welcome; contact [email protected].

FORMATTING:

Submit your story in a Word document or .doc file (you can export to .doc from Pages, Google Docs, and other word processing programs).

Name your file “Full Name – Story Title – BLE7.doc”, where “full name” is the name you wish to be published under.

Please use standard book publishing formatting:
— single space after the end of a sentence
– legible, standard font (times, arial) in a typical size (12ish)
– no underlines or bold, use italics for emphasis
– indents at the beginning of paragraphs and double space after paragraphs

Please submit your work through this Google form: https://forms.gle/rKpFPU1tE4URMdMUA

If it does not work to submit your story via this form, please contact Sinclair directly at [email protected] with the subject line “Best Lesbian Erotica submission” and include your story as an attachment in .doc, .docx or .rtf format (not a PDF). Include the story title, your legal name, pseudonym (if applicable), 150-word bio, previous publication information for the story, and mailing address. Submissions that do not have all of this information included will be considered incomplete and will not be considered.

kink

How To Use Check Ins In Your D/s Relationship

An essential tool, in my opinion and experience in D/s, is having a regular check in with each other to reflect on what’s happening, give and receive honest feedback, and have the opportunity to adjust and change the practices in your D/s.

So what is involved in a check in? How often should they be? What should they cover?

The short answer is, of course: Whatever is best for your relationship, and whatever works best for you. But here’s some general ideas and guidelines that you might want to consider while you’re setting up check ins.

Why check in?

Too often, our lives are busy and full, and we don’t take the time to actually reflect on our experiences. I don’t know about you, but for me, D/s relationships are a form of intense intimacy, and that kind of intimacy can be messy and vulnerable. I want to continue to learn myself, learn my partner, and be a better and better dominant and partner for my boy every day, every week, every month, every year.

Check ins are exactly for that purpose: to take stock, to reflect on what’s going well and what has been hard, and to see if there are any variables you can tweak to make things better. They can be hard, especially if there is feedback about challenging things that are hard to hear, but it is always better to know the truth than to keep going without all the information.

Setting the Scene

It may be obvious that the folks that are in the relationship should be the ones to hold a check in, but it’s more than just who is there — you also want to set the scene, to make a container so that you can have the space and focus that are needed to connect and reflect.

So while you’re shifting your focus from whatever it is that you’ve been doing that day, make sure you are free from distractions. Put your phone away and be in a space separate from other folks. Put on some ambient music, if that helps you focus or helps the atmosphere. Light a candle, light some incense, put the lights down, wear comfortable clothes, or perhaps formal leather — whatever it is you want to do to set the scene for a check in.

You might want a notebook or a computer to take notes. If you are using a computer of some kind (laptop, desktop, tablet, phone) make sure you turn off the internet and all notifications so you don’t get distracted.

Give your partner the gift of your complete and total attention.

When should you check ins? How often?

I generally suggest people who are starting out in a D/s relationship to have a check in once a week for one to two hours. If you try that and it seems like too much time, do less.

If you’ve been together longer, maybe every other week is enough, or once a month. You want to give it enough time so that you can practice changing your behavior or add new protocols in between check ins, but not enough time that there is too much to talk about.

Pick something to try out, and if it works, great! If it doesn’t quite work, change it and try something new.

What’s in a check in?

Now that you’ve set the stage and are ready to have a check in, what do you actually do?

I suggest starting with some sort of grounding, some way that you can connect with each other and leave the rest of the day behind, just for a short time. Maybe that’s some physical touch, breathing, or verbally checking in about your day. Do whatever you need to do to feel present and connected.

Then, I suggest answering some, or all, of the following questions:

  • What is going really well with your D/s [since our last check in]?
  • What has been the most difficult thing about our D/s [since our last check in]?
  • How are our current protocols? Are they working? Does anything need to change?
  • Is there anything in the schedule [before our next check in] that we need to go over?
  • Are there any things that I’m nervous or avoiding sharing with you?
  • What are D/s and kink things we are looking forward to?
  • Anything else that hasn’t been brought up yet?

It’s not only a check in about the hard things — it’s about the good stuff, too. Talk about the very hot scene you had, how much you love the new protocol, or share notes from a workshop that you attended. Flirt! Get excited about the amazing relationship you have together. Appreciate it.

When the talking is done …

Make sure you spend some time officially completing the check in. Blow out the candle, ring a bell, change the music, have some play time — do something that signifies that your check in is complete. Take space if you need it, take care of yourselves, and integrate the feedback and information you got in the check in to make any alterations in your behavior or dynamic that you might want to try.

Conduct the experiment, collect the data

As with everything, adjust all of this based on what you and your particular relationships need. Try things out and change them if you think of ways they could be better. Try again, try something new.

Hope this helps!

Photo by Lum3n from Pexels

journal entries

Crave

(Don’t mind the giant red ink stain on the page before; I knocked over the bottle right onto my journal as I was refilling my pen for this video. First time! It was bound to happen someday.)

Pen: Fountain Pen Revolution Guru
Ink: Diamine Ancient Copper

Video description: a dot-grid notebook with white pages; Sinclair’s hands come into view with a fountain pen filled with reddish-brown ink, and write the following text in script.

I crave things I don’t like to talk about; things they would judge me for if they knew. “They” are always available to pass judgment.

I crave violence, I crave blood — but the sensual, consensual kind where I can be brutal, raw, harsh, and then I am thanked after. I crave surrender, submission, worship, awe. I crave the inhabiting of my body that feels more like channeling a god than truly being myself. I crave spacious afternoons lounging nude, eating whatever is in the fridge, in the sheets, interrupting for more explorations of each other’s bodies. I crave climax, sure, but also the release, the aftermath, the truth that comes with that much vulnerability.

I want to bite, scratch, force, press, hold down, rip something important. Leave a mark.

It doesn’t feel good to write that, except that it is truth. It fills my stomach with dread, it prompts that inner voice to start it’s sayings about safety and risk. You can’t say that, it whispers (never yells). They won’t like it.

Honestly? I’m not sure I like it either. But it is a true thing about how my desire runs in my body. And here, 27 years into my journey of adult, healthy sexuality, I use it like a tool for liberation, for pleasure.

What else would it be for?

This is what I have devoted my life to — liberation and pleasure. What else is there, really? At the end of my life, that’s what I want you to say about me.

That, and how I was so much myself that I encouraged and gave me space for everyone around me to be even more of themself, too.

That will be a life well-lived, a life worth living.

Meanwhile, I must let this sadist out for play, for practice. Soon.

kink

Tools For Stepping Up D/s

I don’t know about you all, but I have a bit more energy for D/s these days. It’s been a seriously rough and emotional year — with the pandemic, of course, and with the continuation of the Black Lives Matter movement and working on awakening to white privilege and my own participation, conscious or unconscious, in racism. I’ve had many emotional crashes (which, as I write that, I realize I should translate into triggered depressive episodes, though I tend to call them ‘crashes’ in shorthand) and have been prioritizing my mental health in new ways. Plus, rife and I were in Alaska, which was a bit of a culture shock, and while there were good things about that, I’m grateful to be back in the contiguous US and settling in the pacific northwest.

I don’t know exactly what has lifted and what is giving me some new energy, though it is that summer time of year where energy runs higher in general for me. A few projects that I’ve been working on for a long time are off my plate, and after a month I’m finally feeling a little re-settled in my new home in Washington state. Plus, vaccinations happened, COVID restrictions were lifted (for a little while, at least, though it looks like we might go back to mask mandates soon), and things were opening up more. And on top of all the circumstantial things, I’ve just been doing a lot of physical, psychological, philosophical, spiritual, and emotional work to get myself more resourced and resilient. There are lots of reasons I’m a bit more resourced than I have been lately.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about how to step up the D/s between myself and rife, and how to step up my dominance in general. Here’s what I’ve been doing.

1. Praise

Not all submissives like lavish praise, but mine certainly does. I am doing my best to not just notice, recognize, and acknowledge all the work, service, and effort that he does, but also to praise him for doing a good job and tell him I’m pleased with him. One of the challenges of having a dominant who has depressive issues is that it is often hard to tell when I am pleased, and hard to tell if I am ever pleased, since I am so often displeased.

Our couple’s therapist once said, “The second part of trauma work is tolerating joy.” I think about that often, as I continue my trauma awareness and integration, and I’m working harder to express the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction I feel, in general but also specifically with this boy and our D/s.

It has made a difference so far.

2. Assignments, Orders, & Control

Slightly different from protocol, one of the best ways for me to step up the D/s is to take more control through giving assignments and orders, and through choosing things on his behalf. We have gone through many iterations of mapping the areas of his life that I can control (short version: all of them; though there are areas that I still won’t control or am not interested in controlling for ethical or energetic reasons), so I feel confident that I can give orders and assignments in all kinds of areas.

One simple example is that he really likes it when I pick out his clothes for him. It is a small gesture, perhaps, but it makes me feel in charge, and I get the reward of looking at him in the precise outfit I’d want him to wear all day long.

3. Protocol

We’re constantly tweaking and changing the protocol that we have in place, and lately I’ve been going over all of it, revisiting, and making choices about what to keep and what to throw out. He has mentioned a few times that he’d like to step up the protocol, that he likes protocols such as asking for permission to use the bathroom, because it’s a place where we can really feel the tug of the D/s between us.

We haven’t had a version of the Protocol Game set up for ourselves for a few years now, so this spring, I made a new one. We had a series of conversations and I chose our new training wheels, and then I made about 6-10 protocols for each training area that we’re pulling at random. They are not time-specific, this time, but rather are meant for a new one to be pulled when the previous one is complete, be that a week or a day or a month.

The boy’s current training areas are: anal training, adventure/wilderness, animism, household manager, submission, and headspace (including motivation for his own submission, and being inside of little boy or puppy headspace specifically). For me, my areas are dominance (especially random acts of), sadism, community (especially connecting with other dominants and keeping myself rooted in my dominant sense of self), writing & personal mission, holistic health (body and mind). Other important things for me are household manager, nonmonogamy, and mystic (being a student of tantra, buddhism, and paganism), but those are secondary at the moment, mostly because I feel they have some good momentum and priority on their own.

I’m excited to dive in to the current protocol strips and lean more on protocol for myself to step things up, and to encourage rife to step up, too.

4. Sex & Kink

We, like many couples 10+ years into their partnership, have struggled with sex and kink play in recent years. We had long, fantastic new relationship energy that has sustained us and pushed us into a lot of long-term pleasure, and I love how we are building a home and life together. But our sex drives have often mis-matched, and the D/s and O/p tools sometimes confuse things and are a challenge.

You might remember this sex manifesto that I wrote last year, or the BDSM checklist exercise that rife & I did in October (password protected; join the Patreon to get the password).

Still, I want to step up our use here and do more, and at times in the last six months, that has been very successful.

As I said above, one of rife’s current training areas is going to be anal play in general, so I am really looking forward to more butt plugs, more sex, more massage, and more stretching. One of my current training areas is sadism, and I am eager to create some protocols and make requests (and orders) to have more of an outlet for my sadism, and to keep developing that part of me. It’s vulnerable to let it out, especially when I’m less practiced, but it is also such a relief and really good for me.

5. Household Manual

I’ve been dreaming of writing a full household manual for years, but it’s finally starting to take shape in my mind.

I did buy Machele Kindle’s book Manual Creation about creating household manuals in M/s households (content warning: lots of Master/slave language in that book). I can’t really recommend it, I didn’t find it very helpful in constructing my own, as we have very different philosophies and I find her philosophies both too broad and too specific, and too rooted in heteropatriarchy and the gender binary. Her breakdowns of the different categories in her household manual are a little bit helpful, but partly just as examples of things that I don’t really want and wouldn’t really use. So, pick it up if you want a starting point, but I didn’t find it all that helpful.

I have been brainstorming what I want to be in the manual for months now (more than a year, I think), taking notes when I encounter something that should be in it. I’m starting to get a sense of the different categories to include, too, such as emergency (with contact list, supplies list, home safety checklist), family (contact information, clothing sizes, important passowrds, “if I go missing” file), O/p (our contract, amendments, and other agreements), vehicles (car maintenance schedule and records), medical (medical history, prescription drugs, health insurance), pets (health records), financial, home (inventory, maintenance schedule, contact for repair companies, records), holy days (holiday traditions), travel (packing checklists for different kinds of travel), cleaning (daily/weekly/monthly/quarterly/yearly schedules, procedures, chore charts), conduct (manners, communication, clothing, work, hobbies, spirituality, and more), protocol (not sure how much I want in here, since I don’t want it to be outdated and then feel useless; might be better to keep it as a digital document). I’m sure there will be more, but that’s where I’m starting from at the moment.

I ordered a leather-covered binder, some kraft paper dividers and folders, and some small envelopes to make some little pockets within the binder. I’m looking forward to putting it all together.

What about you?

There are dozens (probably hundreds) more ways, these are just a few that I’ve been focused on lately. How’s your D/s been going lately? Have you had more energy to step it up? How are you doing that?

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Could I Get A Ride, Guest Post by bookslut

Content warning: this story contains Daddy/girl dynamics and talk, jealousy, break-up sex, emotional sex and BDSM, and name calling.

You’re still there, sitting at the end of the bar, when it comes time for me to close up. The other patrons at the bar set down their glasses, pay their tabs, and invite one another to bed, but not you. You’re still there, very still, with a coldness in your eyes.

I made you cold. A thrill passes through me, leaving me wet like melting ice.

I left you this morning, before my shift at the bar and grill. I shook you awake and said that I was leaving you for a woman I met at work. She waits tables; I tend bar. I swore to you that I had not yet slept with her, but I was lying.

When you first sat down at the bar, I thought, Good thing my new girl left hours ago. She’s a cute little thing and you could kick her ass easy, with your calloused hands and heavy leather work boots.

But when you asked me for a whiskey sour, I knew that you had come to see me and not to take revenge. You came with your big brown eyes full of heartache and helpless longing, and long lashes matted with tears. You wore a stocking cap pulled low over your ears, with a few short curls clinging to your forehead. You’d just come to drink, and to look. You wanted me to hurt you if I couldn’t love you anymore.

I got hot off your desperation, wrapping it around me like your softest leather jacket. What is it about me? I wondered. What a decadent question. Was it the backs of my thighs in these tight black jeans? Was it the way I zipped my boots from my seat on the edge of your bed? What might you endure to keep on loving me?

A patron made me laugh, so I leaned toward him, letting his eyes trail down my neck and clavicle, lingering on the hot pink cups peeking out from the scoop neck of my shirt. I glanced at you and saw pain in your eyes like jagged glass, and anger. You knew what I was doing. No one knows me like you do.

From that moment until closing, I sharpened the edge of your jealous rage. I let your glass go unfilled. I welcomed the attention of patrons who normally repulsed me. I even accepted a drink or two, risking the wrath of my boss to incur yours. It wasn’t hard. You wanted me to hurt you. Poor thing, I thought. It’s better to be angry than to be sad. Let me hurt you to help you.

Now it’s closing time and it’s my job to lock up. I send my coworkers home and close out the register. Then I sink onto the stool beside yours and fix you with my widest, sweetest smile. “Could I get a ride home?”

You turn your cold eyes on me.

I did this, I think, and shudder with excitement.

You say, “Don’t fuck with me.”

I lean toward you like I did to that customer, oozing impersonal, subservient charm. “Why? Don’t you want to take me home?” I lean in closer, and you tilt your face toward mine. To kiss me now, after I cheated you and left you and teased you, would be the ultimate submission.

You cup the back of my head softly, so softly that I sigh without a sound, before grabbing a fistful of my hair at the root.

I gasp. Then I giggle. “Ooh, Daddy, that hurt. Do you feel better now, Daddy?”

You yank my head back, making me whimper mid-speech. “I’m not your Daddy anymore,” you hiss.

I pout my lips.

You lean back, still holding me by the hair, and regard my body, the body I offer instead of my love. You pull up the hem of my shirt to expose my rhinestone-pierced belly button. Next, you stretch out the neck of my shirt and pull it down to expose first one hot-pink C cup, then the other. My cunt throbs under your icy stare.

Without warning, you release my hair and grab my hips instead. You turn me around and bend me over the stool before cracking me hard across my ass with the flat of your palm. I whimper with pain and fear and delight. You spanked me sometimes when we were together. Sometimes I spanked you. But it was never quite like this.

I want you to lay into me right there at my place of work, but one spank is all I get. I look back at you over my shoulder, long hair falling in my face, and see that you’ve settled back onto your stool.

“Sure, I’ll give you a ride,” you say evenly.

“Really?” I ask, my voice quavering. What are you playing at?

“Really. My car is outside.” Then you smirk and cross your arms. “But I want you to take down your pants and walk ahead of me to the car, so I can see that ass shake.”

If you didn’t want revenge before, you sure want it now. Unlike the cruel and slutty show that I put on before closing, this one will be on your terms. The erotic irony hits me, sending all the blood in my body straight to my cunt.

I stand, without adjusting my shirt, and unzip my jeans. They are so tight I have to peel them off. I step out of my heeled boots and roll my jeans down my thighs and calves. When I finally get them off, you take my jeans and appraise my pink boyshort panties. They are cut so high on my hips that half of each cheek hangs out, bare and round against my thighs.

“Do you like them?” I ask in a small voice.

You shrug. “They make you look like what you are – a slut. Now walk.”

I step back into my boots and walk slowly toward the coatroom. Usually I move with ease, mesmerizing strangers with the careless sway of my hips. But under your command, I feel shameful and shy. I feel the way my ass shifts with every step I take. I feel my vulva swell inside my panties. And as I approach the door, I feel the cold bite of the October wind outside.

“Ooh,” I say, shivering and rubbing my arms. I reach for my coat, which hangs on a hook by the door, but you catch my wrist in your hand.

“I’ll take that,” you say, and drape my coat over your arm, along with my jeans.

So with my bra and panties exposed to the elements, I open the door and lock it behind you. A gust of wind ruffles my hair, raising goosebumps on my arms and thighs. Cool air licks between my thighs, arousing my hot, sodden clit.

“After you,” you say, gesturing gallantly toward your car, which is parked halfway across the lot.

I step out in front of you, my heeled boots crunching on the crumbling blacktop. I can almost feel your eyes on my jiggling ass, my juicy thighs, on the clasp of my hot pink bra. I know you want to tear it off and spill me out. We cross the parking lot like that – you keeping several paces behind and out of sight, my body exposed for your pleasure.

When we get to your car, you open the door to the backseat and bend me over, pressing my chest to the leather seat while keeping my boots on the ground. You take my panties down to my ankles, exposing my ass and wet, swollen cunt to the parking lot, to the bar and grill, to the October sky. I sigh with pleasure and surrender.

“How did we get here, brat?” you murmur, running your hand up my flank, raising goosebumps on the backs of my thighs.

I shiver, as much from your touch as from the cold night air, and struggle to raise myself onto my elbows. I crane my neck to get a look at you.

The light from the moon and a streetlamp illuminates the parking lot but casts you in shadow. I can’t see your face in the dark, but I can feel your touch. You grab one of my ass cheeks roughly and jiggle it with humiliating scrutiny. The bar and grill looms behind you, locked and shuttered. But what if it’s not empty? I locked the door myself, but still. Could there be someone inside, looking out, watching us?

You draw your hand back and crack me across the same ass cheek you were just fondling. “Answer me,” you say sharply. “How did we get here?”

I gasp and giggle. I want a little more fire from you, and a little less composure. “I made you jealous, didn’t I?”

I hear a sharp intake of breath from you, followed by the crack of your palm on my ass. I hear it before I feel it, but I feel it soon enough, as I do every slap that comes after. You take me firmly by one hip and spank me with your other hand, alternating between my ass cheeks. You spank me on the upper part of my ass, which you never did before and which hurts but feels right. You spank me on the backs of my thighs too, so hard I begin to kick and cry.

At that, you grab me by my hips and pull me towards you, so that only my head and shoulders remain braced against the backseat of the car. My ass sticks out further into the parking lot, upturned and naked and ripe for violation.

Then I feel the warmth of your body on my back, followed by your weight. You drape yourself over my back, your long, curly hair tickling my ears, with nothing but your ribbed tank top between your breasts and my shoulder blades. “How did we get here, brat?” you hiss.

My eyes well up with tears at the softness of your body and the harshness of your words. “I – I -” Shame swells in my throat, silencing me. I took your love for granted and played with your pain and I will never get it back.

“Bratty little girl,” you whisper in my ear. “Used to getting what you want, when you want it.” I shudder against you as you unclip my bra with one hand and slide your other hand deep into the cup of my bra. Your hands are cold but gentle and drive me to distraction. “You like showing your tits, don’t you? You like giving my pussy away?”

I moan and try desperately rub my aching cunt against the seat.

A cruel twist to my nipple brings me back to your question. “Is that a yes, slut? You like giving away my pussy?”

Through a fog of lust and pain, I try to determine what you want to hear. Saying yes might only anger you more, and finally, finally, you seem angry enough to me. But saying no would be a lie, and I think you want the truth from me.

You twist my nipple again, sending rays of agony through my body.

“I did,” I wail. “I did it. I did it.” And I burst into tears.

You draw back, making a hissing noise of disgust. “I fucking knew it.” I hear the click of your belt buckle, I hear your zipper come undone, and I feel your big, thick strap-on cock press against the lips of my slick, swollen pussy. “Beg for it,” you snap. “One last time, beg for my cock.”

“Please, Daddy,” I whimper, lifting my ass to give you easier access. When you pull away, I moan with frustration. “Please fuck me. I want it so bad.”

“You don’t deserve it. Tell me you don’t deserve it.”

“I don’t deserve it,” I cry. I wiggle my ass, hoping against hope to entice you. “I’ve been so bad, Daddy. Please, let me take your strap one last – ”

Before I can finish my plea, you drive your cock into my cunt with such force that I nearly pass out. All my shame and your pain and my terror and our grief thuds into a hard core between my legs. Gasping, desperate, I work my fingers against my clit in time with your strokes while you call me a filthy fucking hole. And riding the tide of our worst fears, I fucking cum and fall face forward, crying, against the vinyl seat.

You drive me home eventually, but you won’t let me crawl into the passenger seat. Instead, you insist that I remain in the backseat with my panties in a thin roll across my thighs and my bare ass against the vinyl. I sit in silence, bottom lipping protruding, watching your rough hands turn the steering wheel. I wish you’d put your hand inside me one last time. I wish you’d let me taste you but when I tugged on your harness after you fucked me, you caught my wrist with your hand. Now, as you drive me home, I want to reach around the driver’s seat, cup your breasts in my hands, and beg you to give me a taste, beg you like you begged me this morning not to leave.

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Climax, Guest Post by rife

She moaned a deep breath and let it out sharply between her teeth.

She could feel every muscle tense, trusty tawny fibers flexing under her soft belly’s padding. Her fingers gripped the shaft resting in her palm almost delicately, then smashed in for another impact. She could feel the shockwaves from every thrust jolt up her body. She was strong, she could take it. It was thrilling.

She could feel her peak coming close, but she wanted to make it last. She paused for a moment, taking stock of her body. Her heart was pounding in her chest and sweat dripped down in rivers from her tits and thickly thatched armpits. It felt good. Alive. She waited just long enough for her ragged breath to steady before pressing on, eager for that sensation she could feel looming just out of reach.

She was in no hurry, but she didn’t want to lose the progress she’d already made, either. The momentum was building and she knew it. Her mind played a favorite story to keep her mind on the task at hand, thinking about past conquests and future adventures, about all her favorite places and the sensuous delights she liked best. She grinned a little to herself, feeling the slick wetness as her thighs rubbed together. It was hot.

She was alone, but that’s nothing new. She often did this solo (she liked the time to herself). There’s freedom in the extreme, luscious privacy of her thoughts. She could go to dark or difficult places, and not worry about anyone else’s feelings or pace.

Her body was bigger than most, both taller and broader. She had made a truce with mirrors, but could still be a little self conscious about it with others. But here, from the inside, there was no one else’s expectations to distract her. She could feel her own strength and solidness. It felt good. It was these times alone that she loved herself best.

She trusted her body, knew the arc of each thrust before she even made them, and loved how those generous dimpled curves could take so much and give so much more.

So she did more, pressing on deeper. She dug the tip in with her hands and exhaled in time. Sometimes a sound broke her out of her rhythm and she’d pause to locate it, but as soon as she knew she was safe she’d press on, eager now and heaving her whole body with each powerful jerk.

Every breath was torture, ragged and deep, but she knew she was almost there. Just a little more… more… yeah. Fuck yeah!

She’d arrived at her mountaintop, her own private spot. She was lightheaded and giddy and dropped her pack and trekking poles right there, spreading her arms like a bird to soak up the view with every inch of her body. This was it. Her climax. She’d earned it.

Image by rife, self portrait on top of Mount Jumbo in Juneau, Alaska. Follow them on Instagram for more hiking photos.

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Elust #139 includes “Kink 101 Resources”

Thanks for including my recent post about kink 101 resources! Hope it was helpful.

Welcome to Elust 139.

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #140? Start with the rules, come back August 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Books and Movies

Erotic Non-Fiction

Erotic Fiction

Thoughts & Advice on Kink and Fetish

 

 

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Dirty Calligraphy

I’ve gotten really in to calligraphy, fountain pens, art journaling, and some other paper crafts over the past few years, and it intensified during the pandemic when I had all that time at home. Recently I started sharing videos of writing dirty words over on Instagram which has been really fun.

Head over there and follow me, if you hang out on Instagram — it has been my favorite social media for years now, though its policies on sex and sexuality lately have been awful and many sex educators, queer folks, trans folks, drag performers, sex workers, and more are getting posts taken down and even their accounts closed. It’s so frustrating and honestly, I mostly feel really powerless about it, but I am watching intently as things evolve and trying to figure out what spaces we will be able to have to express ourselves and share in the future.

(Lately I’ve been really loving Tiktok, although the sexuality content is highly censored and banned on that platform, too. Are you on Tiktok these days? Find me, @mrsexsmith, on there.)

Here are a few of the dirty calligraphy clips!

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Someone Else Writes Worse Erotica Than You, I Promise

Y’all. People are out there getting published with this kind of writing in actual books (and being paid actual money for it)!!!

I found this on Facebook, posted in a silly group with sex memes. Later, folks shared on Twitter and I confirmed with a little research that this was written by John Updike. Who won a Pulitzer Prize. Not for this, but in general.

Men are notoriously bad about writing women and about women’s bodies during sex in fiction. It’s atrocious really. And it’s so prevalent that there’s a whole Twitter account dedicated to it, @menwritewomen.

C’mon queers: whatcha got. I want to read it!

You know your queer kinky leather genderfuckery smut is a thousand times better. Even the casual sexting you do regularly is better.

Hey you, closet erotica writer: I’m looking at you.

Write it. Maybe even share it with one person, five people, some friends, a writing group. Or maybe even submit it somewhere!

Sincerely,

Yer friendly neighborhood erotica editor who loves smut and wants to read all the queer smut forever

PS: I’m editing next year’s edition of Best Lesbian Erotica, it’s official. I’ll have a call for submissions out soon, it’ll be due in October-ish. Get on it, if you’re thinking about submitting!

PPS: I will be running another round of my erotica writing workshop in September (ish, dates TBD). It’ll be very similar to last year, a 4-week writing group that meets weekly, reads each other’s work, and offers supportive feedback, with writing prompts and craft lectures. More info coming soon.

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Cock Confidence: The RodeoH Slyder (Review)

I’m obsessed.

Look, the dildo market for the past twenty years has been a wild ride. In the late 90s, when I started buying dildos, the only options were bright colors, non-realistic shapes, and extra hard silicone. (Oh how I wish I still had that dildo shaped like a dolphin! Or the line of astrology-based dildos! The ram for my sign, Aries, made for an excellent corona.)

Then came dual density, and Vixen Creations and New York Toy Collective changed the game. Suddenly, there was soft, squishy silicone available, still hard enough to fuck with, and even some that were bendable enough to pack and play.

But now, it’s getting even more elaborate, with dozens of prosthetics on the market aimed at trans men, and the entree of TRIPLE density dildos. (I’m working on a more elaborate write-up of all of these options, with links and and a guide, but that’s taking some time.)

Even so, there are some features of a factory-installed dick that we haven’t quite yet figured out how to reproduce in silicone like movable foreskin, or ejaculation. There are more and more options for pissing through, more realistic balls, more sensation for the wearer, and even dildos that can pack and then play (though they don’t exactly “get hard,” but at least they’re comfortable enough). We’re getting closer, for sure.

Speaking of movable foreskin: Remember this review of the “King Cock” by DocJohnson? Yeah, no. That one really didn’t hold up. The material is terrible and just continued to be terrible. It has such a strong off-gassing smell, even now, two years later, that I would not want it to be in anyone’s mouth because of the smell, and if I don’t want it in someone’s mouth, I definitely don’t want it in any other holes. I was skeptical of their material, but the appeal of movable foreskin was just too tempting.

Enter: Slyder by RodeoH

You probably know RodeoH — they make the strap-on harness briefs that made a huge splash ~15 years ago. Well, they’re making dildos now, and some of them are not only hyper-realistic, but have some incredible features I rarely see anywhere else.

Like for example: movable foreskin, and floating balls. Check it out.

I ordered one immediately.

(If you, like me, are running to the “buy now” button, please use this affiliate link and get 10% off — I’ll get a small kickback, too.)

Y’all. The skin slides! The balls feel so right and realistic. It quickly rose to my top favorite dicks ever. I haven’t even had it for very long — usually I like to test things out in a variety of conditions before I review them, but I just can’t wait to tell you about this one.

Details:

Dimensions: 7″ shaft x 1.5″ at tip – 1.75″ at base diameter
Materials: 100% Silicone, Water Based Lubricant (interior)

Let’s have some photos!

Description:

    True to its name, the Slyder Plus Realistic Dual Density Dildo is designed with sliding “skin” on the surface of the shaft AND floating balls for the ultimate in realistic detailing.

    This extremely vivid dildo has a dual density shaft consisting of a firm-core with a squeezably soft exterior. Natural folds and skin texture are highlighted by hyper realistic painting giving this dildo the ultimate in realism.

    Harness compatible, this dildo features a flat pliable base that bends to the curves of the body while being super supported in a harness.

    This dildo is composed of a thin layer of silicone over a firm silicone center. In order for the “skin” to slide it has a liquid water based lubricant between the layers. This is a new technique in silicone design – treat with care.

    To avoid unnecessary friction on the thin exterior, always use with a WATER BASED lubricant and/or water based lubricated condom on the surface.

Use this affiliate link to sign up on RodeoH and get 10% off when you go buy the Slyder.

The Slyder by RodeoH was purchased by me for review. This post contains some affiliate links which will give me a small kickback (points, to be redeemed for discounts) at no additional cost to you. Please support a queer trans artist (me!) by using those affiliate links. Thanks!

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Kink 101: Books, Websites, and Other Resources for Someone New to Kink

“Do you have specific resources that you would recommend for me to share with someone who is new to the kink scene? Books, and also digital resources. Mainly tips and introduction writing that you trust.”

Sure do!

There are a lot of sub-categories within kink, BDSM, and fetish. Are you looking for books about bondage? There are dozens! Or books about the intersection of sex and spirituality? Quite a few there too. How about books on power dynamic relationships? That’s a whole other list! Generally, people tend to include all kinds of how-to sex books in beginning guides, too — particular topics like anal sex, threesomes, and strap-ons that are sometimes considered kinky, but sometimes not, depending. Then, all of that opens the doors for topics like open relationships, healing sexual trauma or trauma in general, porn, the ethics of desire and fantasy, embodiment, sexual orientation, gender identity, and more.

So I’m narrowing it down and focusing on more general kink community, culture, concepts, and getting started with kink play. If you still want more, I put together an Amazon list which has many more books in some of those related-but-not-exactly-kink topics that I’d also recommend.

1. Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities, by Mollena Williams-Haas & Lee Harrington

This book is essential reading to someone new to the communities of kink, leather, and BDSM. It will give you an excellent overview of consent and negotiation, as well as many of the basic concepts for different kinds of kinks, different ways to explore, and things that are unique to the kink community. It’s such a good primer for anybody new to kink, or anybody who feels like there are kink protocols or conventions that you might not know about or understand.

See also: pretty much all the other books by Greenery Press. Most are very specific kink topics — books about flogging or fisting — so they aren’t general overview, but if you see titles that pique your interest, they are run by kinky people and they have excellent kink theorists and educators as their authors.

2. Kink Academy (website)

This is a kink smorgasbord! There are videos about pretty much every kink, fetish, or interest on this site, from negotiation and communication to figging and pegging and more. They have things about kink, things about relationships, things about sensuality, and things about general health and wellness — over 2000 videos and more than 140 presenters! There’s multiple pages of free videos, too (including a couple by me) so you can go check out what the format is like and see if it suits your style of learning before you sign up for a full Kink Academy membership. It is absolutely worth it — one month of unlimited classes is cheaper than most in-person classes!

3. >50 Shades of Kink, Tristan Taormino

Tristan has been writing and educating about sex and BDSM for a long time — she used to write a column in the Village Voice in the 90s and 00s that I read religiously, and she originated the Best Lesbian Erotica series in 1996. She’s a queer femme femininst, devoted to women’s perspectives and centering women’s sexual pleasure in her porn and her writing and exploring. Lately, she has a podcast, Sex Out Loud, which covers a broad range of sexuality topics.

50 Shades of Kink is an excellent primer for all things BDSM. It’s aimed for folks who have read Fifty Shades of Grey and who want to understand kink better, to figure out what they’re into and start playing. She starts with dismantling myths, breaks down all kinds of terms, roles, and principles, explores dominance, submission, and role play, and then talks about all kinds of sensation play, bondage, impact play, and rough sex. It’s an excellent primer to get a sense of what kink is all about and the kinds of things that are available in the kink world.

See also: If you read this and like it, and want to go deeper, check out the anthology Tristan edited called The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge, also published by Cleis Press.

4. The Topping Book & The Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

Classics! They were recommended to me over twenty years ago when I was first coming out, and they are still excellent books to start learning about doing things to people and having things done to you. I love how open these books are, they are written from the perspective of a loving aunt or mentor who is just so excited to share all their wisdom with you.

See also: The Ethical Slut, also by these authors, one of the first books published about open relationships, polyamoroy, and nonmonogamy, and still one of the essentials to read.

5. Authentic Kink: Create Your Best Experience (Workbook), by Princess Kali

Princess Kali is a force in the kink communities! She literally wrote the book on humiliation and embarrassment play, she creates amazing resources for sex workers, and she deconstructs mainstream notions of what it is to be a ‘bitch’ and the hetero-patriarchal systems that perpetuate sexism and misogyny. This workbook is a master class on creating the kink experience that you want, based on her dozens of years as an educator and thought leader in the kink world. It holds many of her best theories and ideas that you’d find in her captivating live classes, all in a handy-dandy workbook form. Watch out for her live classes or online classes, too — she teaches tons and is well known as an inspirational powerhouse in her teaching style.

6. Workshops & Classes

After you get a little bit of knowledge under your belt through those books, you’re going to want to actually get out into the community, meet people, and attend classes in person. Currently, in May 2021, COVID is still a factor and things are re-opening slowly and cautiously, so it might be a while before there are regular meetings in your town or city. But meanwhile, there are quite a lot of things happening online.

How the heck do you find them?

Join Fetlife. You’ve probably heard of Fetlife — it is an amazing tool, but also can be really awful, particularly for femmes and women, because it is possible to receive all kinds of unsolicited and unwanted messages there. But it is an essential place for finding your local community. rife says, “There’s lots of creeps on there, and it’s a big hole, but it’s the best way to find events near you.” You don’t have to share much about yourself there — create a completely anonymous profile with an anonymous photo and no personal information, if you don’t want to share anything — but do make a profile so you can join some groups and keep an eye on the events that are happening, both online and in your community.

Identify your local kink community center. Most of the major cities have a kink center of some kind, and many of the medium-sized cities do, too. If you already know that you have a local feminist queer sex toy shop, you could just call them and ask what kind of local kink resources they recommend. Lots of cities have groups and leather clubs which put on kink workshops, some of which are specifically focused on serving the needs of women, nonbinary, and trans folks, some of which are queer, some of which are POC-focused, and some of which are more broad.

Check out Wicked Grounds. Wicked Grounds is a (the only??) kinky coffee shop based in San Francisco, and they have an Annex classroom space where they hold classes. When COVID hit in 2020, they moved their classes online and have been hosting dozens of different educators. Some of my favorite teachers have taught for them, and they are well connected and well curated. Check out their list of upcoming classes through Eventbrite, or get on their mailing list. They also keep their Fetlife updated with their events.

Kinky Summer Camps are absolutely worth checking out for 2022 and beyond. There are dozens of kink retreats, and my personal favorites are the ones that take over an outdoor venue where you can attend classes during the day, see performances at night, and meet friends or play with people. Here’s a short primer about kinky summer camps. There are many other kink event weekends in hotels and retreat centers, too — someday I’ll write about those!

7. Yes No Maybe List or BDSM Checklist

Sometimes you’ll hear kink educators refer to a “yes no maybe list” or a “BDSM checklist” as something you could “do” or fill out. These lists are worksheets or spreadsheets of long lists of different kinks where you mark down your interest in each of them. Sometimes it’s as simple as answering yes, no, or maybe to each kink, or sometimes you might rate your interest on a scale of 1-5. You can download one that I made at D/s Playground here if you’d like to check it out. They’re fun to do every few years, as your interests can (and often do) change over time; they can also point out new areas where you might want to explore more. Princess Kali also makes a very elaborate Yes No Maybe Workbook based on this idea, if you’d like a thorough paper version in a book form.

This might be for after you do a bit more research into what kink is and what the vast variety of fetishes, practices, implements, and pursuits can be … or, you could treat it as a vocabulary list and just search around for the ones that are yet to be familiar.

8. People to check out

Patrick Califia — Patrick has too many books to recommend just one, and they’re all good and valuable in different ways. I love his erotica, particularly the anthology Doing It For Daddy which is full of amazing erotic Daddy stories (if you’re reading Sugarbutch, you might be into this kind of thing). I also love his theory — Public Sex has some amazing sociopolitical analysis and connections about sexuality, kink culture, and marginalization. I was so highly influenced by ALL of Patrick’s works when I was coming out in the late 90s, so I think all of his work is essential and highly formative of the sexuality and kink conversations people are having in the kink communities today. He defined and formed the queer sexuality movements in the 90s and 00s, and a lot of writers and kink theorists (like myself) are highly influenced by his work.

Andrea Zanin, list of kink 101 resources you could take a look at, but generally, she’s brilliant and I highly recommend meandering through her archive of w britings.

Lee Harrington is a kink educator and enthusiast who has been involved for a long time, authored many books, hosted a long running podcast, and is currently teaching a lot online. He is very well known for expertise in bondage, and if you ever have a chance to attend his bondage classes on gender-affirming bondage or bondage for every size, I highly recommend them. He is teaching classes for Wicked Grounds and other places often, and sometimes exclusively for his patreon.

9. Don’t forget about fiction!

While all this how-to and what-is can be really fun to read (and hot!), don’t forget about diving in to excellent fiction. Often, kinky fiction follows someone’s kink awakening, which can be illuminating and inspiring for folks new to kink. Here’s some of my favorite erotic novels of all time, and here’s ten erotic films that are better than 50 Shades Of Grey. I also made an Amazon list of many of my all-time favorite erotica books here.

10. D/s Playground


This is my own work — a four-unit online course that takes you through videos to watch, nonfiction and erotica to read, interviews, mini-workshops with educators, and gives you experiments to do on your own or with a friend or partner. There are reflective journal questions for each piece, and you can either do it on your own, self-paced, or you can take it 1:1 with me, or, occasionally, I host each unit with a corresponding live class through my Patreon.


A few to warn you about

1. Kink: Stories, edited by R.O. Kwon & Garth Greenwell

This was published in February 2021, and has quickly become a bestseller. But don’t let that fool you into thinking it would be a good introduction to kink. Take a look at Daemonumx’s review of the book, The Commodification of Kink, to hear some of the breakdown of the stories and why people who are in the kink communities are critiquing it. I haven’t read it yet, but I’ll review it when I do.

2. 50 Shades of Grey

Yeah, yeah, you probably know about this already. It might actually be worth reading, just so you can say you did, and you’ll be able to talk about it with knowledge when someone says they love it or hate it. But beware that the dominance and submission that this book portrays is generally not a reflection of the kink communities, and many people in dominant/submissive relationships even think shows an abusive dynamic.

Hope that helps!

Here’s an Amazon list which has all these resources and a few more that I’d also recommend.

dirty stories

Listen To Your Skin: Erotica Reading [Recording]

In March 2021, I read some erotica for the reading series Listen To Your Skin, which has some featured readers and then an open mic where anyone can read.

Here’s the recording!

I read some from Best Lesbian Erotica Volume 5, including my piece Whatever I Want, Whatever I Say. One of my favorite things to do when reading from a book is to have the audience call out page numbers, and I read that page — my goal for Sweet & Rough was for there to be something dirty on every page. It doesn’t always work, but it’s exciting to just drop in for a few paragraphs and see what it’s like.

For the Best Lesbian Erotica anthologies, I’ve been aiming for a little bit more storytelling rather than something dirty on EVERY page, but I still want the erotic tension building.

After that, I read from Penetalia: Collegiate Erotica, which was published by a group of students at my university in 2004, and was one of my first erotica publications. I found it on the shelf in my mom’s house and thought about my 25 year old self, and how brazen I was to give a copy of my erotica publication to my mother. I wouldn’t do that now.

It’s hard not to be embarrassed by the story in Penetalia, though I generally feel good about that — if you’re not looking back at your old work with distance and even embarrassment, you aren’t growing, says many writing teachers. It’s a sweet story I used to read a lot at open mics and readings, and I still almost know it by heart.

The reading series Listen To Your Skin happens monthly online, and you can sign up to read your own work if you want to. If you’ve never read your erotica out loud in front of people, I highly recommend it.

media

Ten Erotic Films Better Than 50 Shades of Grey

This is not at all intended to be a comprehensive list — there are hundreds of erotic films and novels out there, many of which are really good. These are, in my opinion, some of the best that I’ve ever watched and read. And because I’m queer as a three dollar bill, my suggestions tend to be pretty queer, too. If there’s a hetero-oriented book or film on here, it’s because it’s particularly good.

If I missed your personal favorite film or novel, please leave them in the comments!

Ten of the Best Erotic Films

1. Mercy, Mistress

Mercy, Mistress is a short video series of just ten episodes released on YouTube in 2018 that follows a Chinese American dominatrix Mistress Yin through some of her sessions with her clients, dating, and navigating her family. I really loved the nuance they showed with coming to terms with sexual desires and fantasies. Easy to watch, just ten quick episodes that are less than 10 minutes each. Watch all the episodes here.

2. Bound

Before The Matrix, The Wachowskis made Bound, an amazing queer noir thriller featuring masculine of center Corky (Gina Gershon) and femme Violet (Jennifer Tilly). Susie Bright consulted on the sex scenes, which means that they actually look like sex real lesbians would have. It’s sometimes violent, very erotic, the cinematography is fantastic, and the lust on screen is just perfect.

3. The Duke of Burgundy

A few years ago, a friend texted me: drop everything you’re doing and watch this movie. I don’t get suggestions like that often, so I eagerly did — and, wow. This film is a masterpiece. It’s set in a slightly alternative reality where there are no men, only sexy, buttoned-up women who like to do all kinds of kinky things, and apparently are also all entomologists. The dominance and submission depicted gets quite complicated as the film goes on, with nuance I have never seen in a major release film.

4. Shortbus

A New York City love story, with a complicated cast of characters who are in a wide range of situations. The film Shortbus is so intimate in its truth and honest depiction of a variety of types of sexuality. I think it’s John Cameron Mitchell’s masterpiece — you may have seen other work by him, such as Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

5. Crash

(I just realized that James Spader is in three of the films on this list — I guess I must think he’s sexy!? Either that, or he is just in a lot of deeply erotic films that don’t center the male gaze. Probably the latter.) Featuring Holly Hunt and James Spader, this film is dark, exploring people who are extremely turned on by car crashes. Yes, there is another film with the same name about race after September 11th in the US — but they are very different. The car-crash Crash features explicit sex scenes (the whispered bisexual dirty talk has always stuck with me), violent car crashes, psychological drama, and examinations of fetishes — it is not a film you’ll easily forget.

6. Tom of Finland

Icon of masculinity and gay male culture in general, Tom of Finland is recognizable to leather queers everywhere. This film details his life, sharing lots of his art, his life and struggles, and the complicated restrictions on sexuality in the 1950s and beyond. Gorgeously filmed, at times very erotic, and I love seeing the drawings come to life.

7. Sex, Lies, & Videotape

I love this film. When I watched it recently, it surprisingly held up quite well over the years — full of sexual tension, sexy confessions, and real, vulnerable insights about human sexuality. It was one of the first sexy films I ever saw when I was in my early teens, so it will probably always be a root.

8. Brokeback Mountain

There aren’t very many actual sex scenes in this film, but the slow sweetness of the landscape and the sparse soundtrack makes the whole thing so spacious and erotic, and I just love it. Of course, being a gay erotic love story between cowboys, it has some homophobic violence, so be warned. The heartbreak is worth it though, for the tender masculinity and brave connection that is this film.

9. Mommy is Coming

Hilarious, brilliant, sexy! This is Cheryl Dunye’s film set in Berlin, starring Papi Coxxx (of Crash Pad Series fame, among other places) and Lil Harlow. It’s very clear that this is made for queers and by queers, and explores erotic taboos, spicing things up in long term relationships, and the gritty erotic world of Berlin to make this whole thing delightful.

10. Secretary

There’s a reason it’s on ALL of the lists of erotic films — Secretary changed the whole erotic film game. While I do take issue with some things in the film (Lee using kink as a substitute for self-harm, for example, and the lack of growth on Mr. Edward Grey’s part), I still really love it, and it’s a must see for anyone interested in erotic films.

For a few years now, rife and I have had a double date night with a few friends with the intention of watching through a bunch of erotic films. It’s been a blast! We’ve seen many more than we would have otherwise, and it’s given us a chance to revisit some of the classics (like Basic Instinct and 9 1/2 Weeks) that we are never really “in the mood” for, but appreciate having seen. We also watch films that were erotic awakenings for us (like Braveheart and Set It Off) which aren’t exactly erotic in the typical way, but contain an exciting scene or some kink. If you’re into this kind of thing, I highly recommend setting up an erotic film ongoing date night with some friends!

Need more? Here’s a big list of the sexist movies over on Rotton Tomatoes.

media

What I’m Reading, including Felix Ever After

I finished a book this week!

I’ve been watching shows (Doctor Who and the Great Pottery Throw Down most recently, but it was the Umbrella Academy before that) and watching many YouTube videos of both fountain pens, bullet journals, and tarot cards (some favorites include leena journals, Goulet Pens, Carrie Mallon), but I haven’t been reading much lately, even though I’ve been writing reviews for the Lesbrary (sometimes) and reviewing for Lambda Literary & the NLA-I leather awards.

Mostly, all I want to do is sit at my desk and play with art supplies. rife spends a lot of time outside, especially on the nice days. I’ve been trying to upgrade what I’m listening to while I’m playing with the art supplies, so instead of watching Doctor Who every night, I’ve been listening to audiobooks or podcasts. While I appreciate good TV and I think the entertainment is also some study of how to put character, setting, conflict, story, and plot together, it just feels more productive to have read books than to have watched TV — even if the “reading” of the book is via audio.

I hear audio book sales have risen during the pandemic.

So, let me tell you about the book a little. Maybe you want to read it, or listen to it.

Karen Callendar’s novel Felix Ever After (Amazon | Bookshop) is the story of seventeen-year-old trans guy Felix, navigating attending a fancy private art school in Manhattan, living in Brooklyn with his dad, working on his art portfolio to apply to college, and stories about his group of friends and classmates. Felix has never been in love, but wants to be. Some transphobic things happen, and Felix discovers some good friends and gains confidence in pushing back against the pressure in his summer before senior year.

It was really sweet. I found myself excited to come back to it, eager to get back to my desk and have time to myself or be finished with all my meetings. It’s smart and clever, has some really insightful identity development, and showcases a lovely world of queer art and liberation.

I have mixed feelings about coming of age stories set in New York City, probably because I lived there for about ten years and have mixed feelings about the city in general. It’s just such a particular place — the city almost always functions as another character in a novel. And it gets romanticized and held up as some sort of standard, which I think can end up being pretty negative. But I appreciated the complexities of New York that were depicted in this novel — clearly the author has lived there and knows a lot about how things actually work.

Also, the audiobook narrator was fantastic and it was highly entertaining and fun to listen to.

If you need something fun and easy to read to pick up, it’s a good one.

What have y’all been doing during the pandemic — are you reading? Are you listening to audiobooks? Are you holed up at your desk playing with art supplies? Did you discover any amazing TV shows? (I especially loved the newest Star Trek series, Enterprise — if you haven’t seen that one yet, it’s pretty extraordinary.)

Pick up Felix Ever After at your local independent bookstore, or online at Bookshop, or, if you must, on Amazon.

miscellany

Elust 137 Includes “Creating A D/s Training Wheel”

It’s been a while since I’ve been part of Elust! Here’s #137 which includes Creating a D/s Training Wheel.

Welcome to Elust 137.

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #138? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Erotic Non-Fiction

MFM Duo with Curvaceous Companion, Olivia

A Celebration of a Memory

Rush Poppers Inhaler Mask

Erotic Fiction

Goldilocks and the Three Bares

Good Girl Deep Throat

Tabitha’s Musings

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Late

Which Lube to Include?

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Creating a D/s Training Wheel

Yoga Bondage At Yellowmead

Books and Movies

Review: BDSM Community, by Stein

kink

Creating a D/s Training Wheel

rife and I often talk about a “training wheel” when we’re teaching The Protocol Game.

A training wheel (as we use the term) is a collection of 5-8 categories of one’s life which are currently being most focused on in action, particularly in an authority exchange relationship. They could be for the dominant or the submissive, made by the dominant or the submissive, made collaboratively, or any sort of combination.

They come from a hybrid of studying spirituality, psychology, and philosophy, otherwise known as the self-help genre. In particular, I’m pulling from the framework for roles discussed in Best Year Yet (ignore the terrible cover; buy it on Bookshop), and this Integrated Life Matrix image from the book How To Be, Do, or Have Anything:

In the first two years rife and I were together (after we’d moved in and had established some basic protocols), we made a training wheel for him. It consisted of seven categories — in my head, I still remember it as LSHAFTS, because that is the acronym:

Leather
Submissive
Houseboy
Assistant
Faggot
Trophy
Sexual service

It gave me a framework for what kind of things to ask him for, how to use him, which areas he’d like to grow in, how he can better serve me, our home, and our future. I used them to assign him tasks and protocols in the different categories where we were placing focus. We call it a wheel because it was originally a whiteboard, and I’d write the boy’s assignments inside the relevant wedge each week.

In retrospect, I suspect he made these while I was in a depressive episode and trying to figure out how I could step up my dominance, and he wanted to make it easier for me. He often gives me gifts like this, theoretical frameworks, ideas, scaffolding to hold all kinds of content. This particular one has been a tool we have returned to, and frequently and still refer to.

When I came up with the Protocol Game, I used this training wheel and I brainstormed protocols for each category before I chose 7 in each category (for a total of 52) to create the random protocols we would choose weekly.

Why Make a Training Wheel?

  • To step up or reinvigorate your D/s
  • To create an external structure to support your goals
  • To give more focus on the training aspect of D/s
  • To give more direction
  • To help come up with tasks and protocols

How to Make a Training Wheel

First, brainstorm as many different potential categories as you can. You could use any of the areas in the Integrated Life Matrix above, or check out the brainstorm list below to start. Think about identities or kink roles that you hold. Add the categories you struggle in, the categories where you want to grow, the categories that get in the way of your life, the categories that give you the most joy and satisfaction, the overlap interests you have with your partner(s), the goals, hopes, dreams, the visions for the future you, the vision for your highest best self, the things you have always wanted to try.

I highly recommend you include some purely pleasurable, playful, fun, and joyous categories in addition to serious self-improvement categories. You might find that the fun and joyous are deep forms of self-care and do, in fact, fit your self-improvement, but they are often more motivating. They could be sexy or kinky, or not, depending on whether those are categories you’re working with.

Other categories that you could think about, and that commonly come up during brainstorms:

Puppy / kitty / pet / primal play
Age play / big/little
Time management
Art / creative expression
Spiritual practice
Rigger
Sadist
Athlete / Movement
Fuck toy
Career
Family
Teacher / Leader / Community Organizer
Outdoor enthusiast
Some relation to animals / pet parent
Coach
Adventures
Home manager
Cook
Fire play
Bootblacking / Leather care
Self Care
Piercer
any other sex or kink interests

Start with a big brainstorm, then whittle them down to 6-8 categories. I like to think of them as the skills that go at the intersection of my kink resume and my calling. Remember, these aren’t all the categories of your life. These are the ones that you want to focus on the most, which means that they are not already on auto-pilot. Some areas are working fairly well; we can let those work as they have been. This isn’t meant to be exhaustive, but rather a few things you want to give more attention to. In Best Year Yet (buy it on Bookshop), they suggest going through a whole life review as part of the investigation of roles, and asks us, “In which role do I want to have a breakthrough?” I always ask myself which areas, if improved, would make things change for the better the most?

Less is more – I shoot for 6-8. Try a very hyper-specific category and a very broad category, and see which is easiest to make tasks, protocols, and goals within. Reflect. Change your Training Wheel categories. Get more specific, or more broad, depending on what’s working best. It’s great if you have someone who is game to listen to you and support you though this, whether you’re making a chart for yourself, for them, or together, so you have someone to reflect with and who can help gather the data of your experiments and see what needs to be tweaked.

Then What?

Use the training wheel to create protocols, tasks, and goals. Play around with them, see what works, what doesn’t. We have some ongoing protocols, some tasks, and we sometimes play the Protocol Game and have different protocol each week. It’s about time to create a new set for ourselves, actually; things have been changing and it would be good to make some new habits based on the changes, to live in to our future and next selves. Change the wheel and adapt the whole idea as needed.

Hopefully, the training wheel will give a framework for deeper D/s, deeper authority exchange, more consent and clarity about which areas are available to be controlled, more self-control and discipline, and more praise all around.

Bonus points to create your own whiteboard pie chart, fancy Google spreadsheet, bullet journal, or other art of your training areas – post it somewhere you’ll see it often to remind you.

miscellany

Call for Submissions: The Good Sex Awards – Deadline: May 16, 2021

Rachel Kramer Bussel asked me to be a judge for the Good Sex Awards, and the site is live and submissions are being accepted now!

I’m not organizing the awards, so if you have any questions, best to reach out to them directly.

Here’s the info:

Submissions

Submissions should be excerpts from published works that total no more than 3000 words. Entries open now until 16 May, with winners announced on 28 June.

Considerations

Our judges will be considering not only prose, imagination, and titillation, but body positivity, diversity, and consent.

Work that’s been published online or in print at any time, including self-published books as well as blogs that publish the work of multiple authors. Authors can live anywhere in the world. In order to be able to distribute your work to the judges and promote the winners, authors are required to confirm that they are the author of the work and that they will not be in violation of existing rights agreements by submitting the work.

If you have questions about whether your work qualifies, please write to us at [email protected]

Prizes

A cash prize of $150 (US) will be awarded to the winner of each category.

Categories

Sexiest Consent
Expressed verbally or physically, sexy consent writing is a fine art.

Best sexy talk
Great banter can make for a great sex story, be it witty, dirty or romantic.

Best LGBTQI scene
The hottest, sweetest or most compelling LGBTQI love scene.

Best thought leadership
Who’s moving the conversation forward? Non-fiction.

Best feminist sex
The sexiest scenes that embody feminist values.

Best kink
The best sex writing exploring BDSM or fetishes.

Best use of sex toys
The hottest scenes with a bit of help from our sex toy friends.

Readers’ Choice
Finalists from each category will be entered here.

The Good Sex Awards has an amazing lineup of judges, including Cindy Gallop, Rose Caraway, Tasha L. Harrison, Andrew Gurza, Emily Nagoski, Twanna A. Hines, Katrina Jackson, Stoya, Fiona Zedde, Cecilia Tan, and many more.

Hope you submit something!

guest posts

Let’s Watch a Porno, Guest Post by Louise Kane

Content: D/s dynamics, control, orders between Sir/girl dynamic; voyeurism, strap-on sex, objectification, alcohol.

I yawned as I padded into the living room. It was only 7pm, but I was already ready for bed and the deepening shadows of the quickly setting sun weren’t helping.

C had grabbed a seat on the black leather couch in the corner of the room by the time I arrived. Dressed in sweats and a black t-shirt, their blonde hair tousled and contacts swapped for glasses, they obviously weren’t far from sleep either. It was movie night though—one of our only true markers of the passage of time during COVID—so it would take more than a little yawning to keep us from tradition.

C flipped on the television as I wordlessly took my place at their feet, wrapping my arms around their calf as I nuzzled my cheek into the crook of their knee. When we’d first suggested this seating arrangement months ago, I’d scoffed before noticing the desire pooling in my stomach. I thought it would be demeaning, but here I was: clad only in underwear and a thin, white t-shirt with C’s fingers twined in my hair, and all I felt was warm and safe.

Well, and turned on.

I shifted, the fabric of my underwear bunching just enough to press into the side of my clit. Biting my lip, I repeated the movement while I explored C’s leg—one hand kneading the hard muscle of their calf as the other slipped beneath the hem of their jeans to wrap around the warmth of an exposed ankle. I relished every way our skin connected, care and lust swirling together into an unnamable force. Something new. Something better.

“Should we choose something off the list?” I asked, settling into the comfort of a cozy night spent in our preferred positions.

“I actually thought we could watch the movie I just bought,” said C, their hand ghosting around the front of my throat. I gasped, but they’d disappointingly retreated before I could coax them into pressing harder.

I turned to catch their eye. “What is it?”

“You’ll see.” C’s smirk sent heat curling through my middle. “Now make me a drink.”

My stomach flipped at the casual command, and I quickly reworked the casual movie night script I’d mistakenly thought we were playing from. I stood slowly, eyes glued to the blank television screen as C fussed with the laptop to which it was connected. Something dark thrummed in me, and I wanted to know how deeply tonight’s rewrite would go.

“Quicker than that, little one,” said C with a sharp slap to my ass.

I considered dragging my feet further, but C and I both preferred spankings as reward for good behavior, not bad, and so I scurried toward the kitchen.

C always played bartender, but I could perform the same duties in a pinch. A shot of whiskey, a tablespoon of a fancy shrub, and a splash of sparkling water. I plinked a few ice cubes into the glass and rushed back into the living room, not a little proud of myself as they took their drink from my outstretched hand. Intent on a job done well, I didn’t realize the television screen was on until I’d found my place at C’s feet.

I stared at the still—a blurred selfie of a black-haired butch dyke with their tits out, wearing a leather harness and tightening a fist around their ink-black dildo—and was surprised by the warmth flickering at the base of my stomach.

“You want to watch porn?” I tried to make it sound like a joke, but my voice came out huskier than I’d meant. We’d talked about this type of scene—watching something together as C told me everything they’d do to the person on screen if they were here, everything they’d make me do—but I’d thought it was a fantasy. I hadn’t realized they’d meant it. I swallowed hard.

They arched an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“Since when are you into butches?” I laughed, fully aware I wasn’t answering the question. I wasn’t usually so shy about trying new things, especially not ones I’d used to make myself come multiple times. I also wasn’t usually so turned on by a partner wanting to fuck someone else. And yet, I couldn’t deny the heat licking at my spine—or the wetness soaking into my underwear.

“Since I saw a clip and couldn’t decide whether I wanted to fuck them or watch them fuck someone else. Or, I suppose, whether I wanted to watch someone else fuck them.” C’s hand tightened around the back of my neck hard enough to ignite that first tendril of welcome fear, but their voice softened as they said, “If it’s too much or it’s not what you expected, tell me and we’ll stop. Alright?”

“Yes, Sir,” I said, leaning back into their hand. “I don’t want to stop.”

“Good.” They released me, stroking my back before pushing me forward. I gasped as my hands caught my fall. “Now remake my drink. This isn’t strong enough, and it needs another ice cube. Turn off the light when you leave and take off your shirt before you come back.”

I scrambled to my feet, accepting their glass with a bent head, and scrambled out of the room. I pulled the half-full whiskey bottle out of the cabinet to measure another shot when I caught the sound of hushed noises from the other room. C must’ve started without me. I hurriedly splashed whiskey into their glass and dropped in an ice cube.

I froze as the soft murmur of voices in the other room crystallized into soft moans and whispered commands. My body reacted to the clear sounds of arousal, tits tightening enough that I couldn’t resist grabbing the tender flesh as I slipped off my shirt. I bit my lip to stifle my gasps and grabbed C’s drink to return to the living room—and the movie they’d chosen for us.

It’s dim and grainy in that way that makes you wonder if it’s meant to be artsy. They’ve only just begun, two strangers falling into familiar roles as lips meet eyes meet skin meets. A hand traces a strong jaw and grabs a corded throat. A hand tightens and breath is gasped. A hand releases and soft lips take its place.

I stood in the doorway, entranced by the glow of the television highlighting C’s seated form—and the hand wrapped around their cock. The ache in my cunt grew as I watched them watching the screen, the drink in my hand forgotten as quickly as they’d forgotten me. I was surprised at how much I liked seeing them so lost in finding their pleasure through someone else.

“I’m pretty sure I told you to get me a drink, not stand in the doorway,” murmured C, eyes not leaving the screen as they languidly stroked themself.

I scrambled to their side, holding out the drink. C took a long sip and when our eyes finally met, it was both them and not them looking at me. I squeezed my thighs together, desperate for relief. “On your knees. Beside me instead of between my legs.”

I sank to my knees, chin dropped to my chest as I waited for what came next. The noise of the porn washed over me as I stared at C’s lube-slicked hand sliding over their cock. It was less than a foot from my mouth, and the familiar tension of arousal built in my stomach. I only needed C to lead the way so that I could follow.

“Hold out your hands,” said C, as if they’d heard my plea. “Palm-side up.”

Wordlessly, I offered my cupped hands to them and gasped when they set their drink inside, the iciness of the glass searing my flesh as I struggled to keep still.

“What a good little serving tray,” said C, an indulgent smile gracing their lips as they ruffled my hair. “You’ll stay right there while we watch.”

“But,” I whispered, flushed with pleasure and embarrassment. “I want to touch.”

“Oh no, little one,” said C, indulgence morphing into disappointment as their hand tightened around my hair. “You don’t get to ask for things. You don’t get to want. You only get to do what I tell you.”

I whimpered, the need coursing through my system borne along by the pain at my scalp as much as C’s denial of my request. “Yes, Sir.”

C released my hair, smoothing it down against my neck. “Good girl.”

She kneels beside the bed and the camera zooms in on her flushed face. Her eyes are wide open as a palm connects with her cheek. Over and over and over. Enough to leave both cheeks red. Enough to want to feel how hot her skin burns.

C groaned, hand liquid as it moved over their cock. My eyes trailed its every movement, flitting every so often to the black hair and full mouth and perky tits that C hadn’t taken their eyes off. I reddened at how thoroughly they’d consigned me to the role of furniture—and how desperate it made me for their touch. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from begging; I could last as long as they made me.

“God, I could watch her get hit for hours,” said C, unaware of my internal struggle as they applied more lube and rubbed their thumb over the head. “She takes it so well. You can see the glimmer in her eye every time she comes back for more. I’d make her kneel in front of me, just like that, and slap her until she cried.”

I whimpered at their words, certain that if I dipped a hand between my legs, it would come back wet and shining. C was speaking for my benefit—of course they were—but only so that I knew they were imagining her skin beneath their palm. Her gasps and cries as she absorbed hit after hit. Knowing that the whole time, all I could do was watch.

“Do you wish you were getting hit, little one?”

Their question pulled my attention back to the present, and I whined, deep in my throat. “Yes, Sir.”

“I know,” said C, shaking their head with exaggerated disappointment. “But trays don’t get hit. Trays hold drinks and don’t ask for anything at all. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes,” I said, closing my eyes against the pain of denial that rushed through my cunt and thighs until it took everything in me not to touch myself.

A hand snatched my chin, and my eyes popped open as C asked, “Yes, what?”

“Yes, Sir,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s better. I can only hope you’ll be better behaved when we’re finally allowed to have guests in person rather than just on screen.”

A flood of heat washed over me at the promise of this playing out in real time—being used as an ornament while C fucked someone else. My hips bucked as I nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

Hands spread thighs. Pull them apart. Explore wherever they wish. And still, she opens opens opens, as if she’s nothing but a doll to be played with. A doll that gasps and moans as it’s touched. A doll that begs and pleads and grasps. A doll whose only use is being watched and touched and fucked.

“Look at that beautiful hole.”

I whimpered, lost between the fantasy playing out on the screen and the one C was weaving beside me. My eyes didn’t know where to land, so they flickered between C’s lazy strokes and the body that was making them hard. C swore softly and I bent forward unconsciously, slowly closing the gap between my mouth and their cock in the hope they’d decide I had more uses than holding their drink.

“I bet you’d love to watch me stick my entire hand inside her, wouldn’t you?” murmured C, lips brushing against my ear and sending a shiver through my body. “Fuck her until her voice is hoarse while all you can do is watch.”

I bit my lip hard, head nodding almost involuntarily as I pictured exactly that. How much I’d whine to be included. How much I’d love it when C said no. “Yes, Sir.”

“Mm, that’s what I thought.” C’s breath caressed the side of my face, my neck, my ear. “A dirty little slut like you can’t help but want to watch. I suppose it’s only fair since you like to be watched so very much. Isn’t that true, little one? That you like to be watched?”

“Yes, Sir,” I said, but it came out a high whine, spurred by the hope that they were going to let me touch myself.

“Too bad,” said C, voice short as they pulled away and sat back deep in their chair. I gasped at their sudden absence. “I’m watching someone else now, and it isn’t very nice to try to steal the spotlight from others, little one. Didn’t you learn that it’s better to share?”

“Fuck,” I breathed, the rebuff sharp and painful. It only made my cunt pulse harder. “Yes, Sir.”

“Good girl. I’m not so very unfair. Just because I’m not paying attention to you, it doesn’t mean you can’t play with yourself. Get your favorite cock. If you’re nice and quiet, I’ll let you fuck yourself with it.”

After being denied for so long, I almost didn’t know what to do with such sudden permission. A moment of stunned silence followed before I got to my feet and rushed to the bedroom to get what they’d requested. C didn’t glance away from the screen as I reentered the room and positioned the dildo on the floor.

My cheeks burned as I realized I was still wearing underwear. Drink in one hand and already on my knees, I awkwardly pulled the fabric halfway down one thigh and then the other. By the time they were fully off I was panting from the effort. C still didn’t look at me.

With a moan, I spread lube over the dildo and around my cunt before sinking onto the cock. I reveled in the feeling of fullness before building up speed and losing myself in the rhythm, making sure not to spill C’s drink as I fucked myself. The sounds coming from the television drove me on until I was matching them with my own. Until I wasn’t sure whose moans were whose.

“Quiet now,” said C, yanking my head back by the hair and bringing me to an abrupt stop, dildo pinioned inside me. “You’re being loud enough to make me think you’re trying to distract me, little one. If you do that, I’m going to make you stop and sit in the corner while I finish my movie. Is that what you’d like me to do?”

“No, Sir,” I said, shaking my head as far as I could with a handful of my hair in their fist. “I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet, I promise.”

“Good girl,” said C, releasing me. “Now start fucking yourself again.”

She’s on her knees and sucking cock. Showing her true eager for the first time. Tongue and lips and spit slide over it, hands useless and cuffed behind her back. The muscles in her throat jump and swallow as she takes more more more.

My arms ached, but I didn’t dare drop C’s drink if I wanted them to let me come—even if all I wanted was to slide one hand down to my clit as the other wrapped around their cock. I didn’t even have the distraction of the dildo anymore, since C had decided I couldn’t be trusted to stay quiet. I whimpered, hips moving in tight circles in search of some measure of release.

“Do you want to help me feel good, little one?” asked C, breaking through my misery as they plucked the empty glass from my hand to lay on the floor. Their other hand curled around the back of my neck, slowly but inexorably pulling my face toward their cock.

“Yes, Sir,” I said, wound so tight that I would’ve said yes to anything. I shifted until I kneeled between their legs, whining with need as I stared at their cock. This was a new level of humiliation—letting C use me to act out their fantasy about the mouth on screen they’d rather be fucking—and I met it eagerly. Desire thrummed through me as my lips slid onto their cock.

“Fuck,” swallowed C, hand firm on my neck. “She looks like she could take so fucking much, like she’d love having my cock halfway down her throat until she was choking on it.”

I thrilled with their words as C held my head in place, hips pushing forward, quicker and deeper. I breathed shallowly through my nose, pushing into them, intent on proving how useful I could be when it came to making them feel good.

“You’re lucky she isn’t here,” said C, between thrusts. “If she were, you’d be kneeling beside us and all you’d be allowed to do is stare. I wouldn’t even let you make a noise. You’d only be allowed to stay in the room in case I need another drink while she sucks me off.”

I whimpered around their cock at the images they were planting in my head. I was so wet that I could feel it between my thighs, and I rocked back and forth in time with the movement of my mouth. When I closed my eyes in bliss it felt like they were fucking me.

“That’s enough now, little one,” said C, panting as they pulled away from me. I cried out, distressed and wanting more. “You’ll make me come with a mouth like that, and I’m not ready to be finished yet.”

“I’m sorry, Sir,” I said, pleased beneath my contrition and my all-consuming want.

“Mm,” they said with a soft tsk. “Not yet you aren’t.”

On her stomach and she’s getting fucked. With fingers with tongue with cock. Her face is turned toward the camera and it’s agony and bliss warring against each other as she pleads for more. It’s unclear if it’s the bliss or the agony she’s begging for more.

C suddenly growled, pulling me off my knees by the wrists. As soon as I was on my feet, C swiveled me around. I braced myself against the back of the couch as they took their place behind me, television forgotten in the wake of their cock pressed against my ass. I pushed back, searching for more, but they only grabbed my hips tighter to hold me in place.

“This was what you were waiting for this whole time, wasn’t it?” asked C. “Hoping that if you played nice, you’d be the one getting fucked at the end of the night. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes, Sir,” I said, too far gone to pretend at anything else but the truth. My ass hadn’t stopped moving this entire time, seeking something, anything, more than this stillness. I groaned with frustration. “Please.”

“Of course, little one,” said C. “You did such a good job after all.”

Alone on the screen, with freed hands, she greedily strokes herself as she disappears into desire. When she comes, it’s a choked, near-silent thing. She collapses and a lazy grin takes its place on her face. Her partner joins her on the bed. The screen fades.

C plunged their cock into me, and I moaned at the sudden fullness that was somehow so much more intense than the dildo. They held still for a second, and then pulled back, slamming into me again and again. All I could give were wordless gasps and moans that mingled with the crescendo of play on the television behind us.

Their groans became grunts, and I snuck a hand down to my clit, working it in small circles as their rhythm sped up. I pushed my ass back into them, seeking more, deeper, harder, and they delivered with each thrust until I could barely hear the noise of the television over my own cries. Until finally finally finally—C shuddered with completion.

We stilled, the sounds of our panting overlaying the onscreen action. C placed a soft kiss on my shoulder before easing out of me, and I groaned at the loss of contact.

“Was that fun for you, little one?” asked C, stroking my back as they sat on the edge of the couch beside me.

I giggled as I collapsed onto the arm of the couch, feet firmly planted on the floor. “Yes, Sir.”

“I was wondering if you’d end up liking it as much as you thought you would.”

“Fuck.” I blearily opened an eye to gaze up at their blue-lit smile. My own curled the corners of my lips. “I loved it.”

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Best Lesbian Erotica Volume 5 is a Lammy Finalist!

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 is a finalist for a 2021 Lambda Literary Award!

I’m so thrilled! much credit of course goes to the incredible writers whose work fills this book:

  • Heart
  • Mx. Nillin Lore
  • Giselle Renarde
  • Nicole Field
  • Anita Cassidy
  • Amanda N
  • Michelle Osgood
  • June Amelia Rose
  • Tobi Hill-Meyer
  • Rain DeGrey
  • Mary Burns
  • Kiki DeLovely
  • Kathleen Lamothe
  • K.J. Drake
  • GB Lindsey
  • Amy Butcher
  • (and me, I have a story in there too)

I really love this anthology of sexy queer kinky dirty heart-full writing, and I’m so thrilled that other people like it too!

The finalists for LGBTQ Erotica is an amazing lineup, and I’m looking forward to reading every one of them:

If you want to attend the Lammy awards, they are online June 1 and tickets are free / by donation.

Here’s the full list of 2021 finalists. Certainly you’ll find a new favorite book in this incredible list!

journal entries

Stepping Down

Content: master/slave language in a kink context

It’s official: rife & I are stepping down as International Master and slave 2020 this weekend. After an intense year of producing and presenting events online, our time holding this title has come to a close.

We’re doing a little stepdown social which will have some games and a little video/slideshow, and hopefully not much awkward socializing but rather fun connecting.

It’s been a challenge to be putting this stepdown together. Many folks in the M/s community are still angry with us for changing our own use of the words “master” and “slave” last year. I thought we made it clear that it was a personal decision, that we are still very much in an authority exchange relationship, and that we aren’t judging individuals who remain using these words, but it seems there is still a lot of hurt and upset about our actions.

For the record, I am very open to talk to anyone who’d like to about this issue. We’ve had some great conversations with people who vehemently disagreed with us.

Having people in the M/s community who have been upset and mad at us has been a huge loss. I have worked so hard to build connection and community with M/s folks, and I was so thrilled to compete and win this title, as I had really thought it would bring me more peers who were the authority in their relationships, and hoped that we could have more conversations and support each other in this unique, challenging undertaking. Unfortunately, that really hasn’t happened.

I did know it would be a controversial stand to take, but I had really hoped to find people who were interested in having deep conversations about the impact of language, and to talk about the issues of race, access, and white privilege in the leather communities. I would still love to talk to people about this, ongoing.

Meanwhile, here is the information about the stepdown this Saturday. Would love to have you there, though no pressure — I know how Zoom-fatigued we all are right now. It’s been an honor and a joy to hold this title this past year, and I’m grateful for all the conversations, all the classes, all the connections we’ve made. Hope to see everyone in person again, eventually. We will certainly be attending things when it is safe again to do so.

IMs 2020 Stepdown Social
Saturday, March 13, 2021
5-6pm PT / 8-9pm ET
Come reflect on one of the wildest title years we could never have imagined, and could never have gotten through without you. We’ll have (byo) snacks, a quick video, and do a few icebreaker games, including queer leather trivia and a scavenger hunt. No long speeches, we promise. Just sharing fond memories and making new ones with some of our favorite folks (that would be you!)

event

What’s Happening in March (and Beyond): Best Lesbian Erotica Readings!

I’m so excited to share this book with you!

Virtual reading with Glad Day Books, Toronto

Sunday, 28 February, 2021 4-5:30pm PT / 7-8:30pm ET
Details on Facebook

Online reading of stories from Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5, published by Cleis Press, Hosted by Glad Day Books, Toronto.

Zoom login information:
https://zoom.us/my/gladday
PW: 1970

Hosted by Glad Day Books, Toronto
Readers include:
Amy Butcher, GB Lindsey, Kathleen Lamothe, K.J. Drake, and Sinclair Sexsmith

Free! Please buy the book! Support your local bookshop or get it online.

Readers include (click for bios):

Amy Butcher
AMY BUTCHER is a writer, artist, bodyworker, business consultant, and liminal guide who lives and works in San Francisco. Her award-winning novel _Paws for Consideration_ was published in 2012. Her short story “Touched” appeared in _Best Lesbian Erotica 2012_. Follow her many adventures at www.amybutcher.com.
K.J. Drake
K.J. DRAKE is a genderqueer writer dyke who lives in Chicagoland. When not writing queer fiction, they like making out with their partners, walking through the prairie, and ruminating. They can be found on Twitter @nerdwen.
Kathleen P. Lamothe
KATHLEEN P. LAMOTHE is a white, able-bodied, kinky, femme, transsexual performance artist living with the simultaneous gift & curse of an ADHD brain. She currently resides on unceded Coast Salish territory (Vancouver), after having been raised in occupied Mohawk (Montreal) & Algonquin (Ottawa) territories. When she’s not pissing off the gaygeousie or aiming her hyperfocus superpowers towards dense journal articles about cognitive neuroscience, she can be found going to 12-step meetings, getting tattooed, practicing mindfulness & compassion meditation, and ultimately challenging people’s notions about what a “good” or “respectable” trans woman is.
G.B. Lindsey
G.B. LINDSEY’s first love has always been writing: as a child, she cultivated such diverse goals as becoming “a cowgirl and a writer” or “a paleontologist and a writer.” Aside from her salacious affair with the horror genre, she loves to write sci-fi, romance, historical fiction, and short stories. Her day job is in kidney transplant, but other interests include singing, reading voraciously, and period drama movie nights. She lives in California with her absolutely phenomenal cat.

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 – Virtual Reading with Queer Leather Happy Hour, San Francisco

5 March, 2021, 7-8pm PT / 10-11pm ET
Details on Facebook

LIVE QUEER EROTICA READING! Listen to steamy tales by award-winning smut editor Sinclair Sexsmith, plus author readings by their latest edited collection of queer storytellers: : Mary Burns, Kiki DeLovely, G.B. Lindsay, Tobi Hill-Meyer, and K.J. Drake. Zoom login info will be posted day-of.

Zoom login: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89574896092?pwd=NnE4b3lveDljSU5jc0VTUVR0dkYyUT09

Virtual Queer Leather Happy Hour will host its usual monthly 1st Fridays social time, as well as a breakout room throughout the event in case anyone wants to simply chat in the “SF Eagle back porch” as before. This is a queer-dedicated space. Basic Zoom instructions and expected Code of Conduct will be posted on this page for reference. The event is free to attend, and if you’re in a good place to, please consider donating to our usual host bar: the SF Eagle, at https://www.gofundme.com/f/sf-eagle

Readers include (click for bios):

Mary Burns
MARY BURNS is a long-time resident of New York City. She received a Master of Fine Arts in Playwriting from Columbia University in 1991, after which the muses departed for points unknown, leaving no forwarding address, so she carved out a career as an executive assistant. When happenstance left her with the opportunity for some major time off, she sharpened her pencils and hoped for the best. Luckily, the muses returned, and she hasn’t stopped writing since. Her first novel, _Forging a Desire Line,_ was published by Bold Strokes Books in May 2020. You can reach her at [email protected]
Kiki DeLovely
KIKI DeLOVELY (kikidelovely.wordpress.com) is a kinky, witchy, non-binary femme who moonlights as an erotica writer when she’s not helping others through energetic healing or spiritual coaching. Their work has appeared in dozens of publications, including _Getting It: Female Sexual Agency, The Sexy Librarian’s Dirty 30, Vol. 3_, and _Corrupted: Erotic Romance for the Modern Age_. Kiki strives toward erotica that reads as fine literature and connects us with our highest selves.
G.B. Lindsay
G.B. LINDSEY’s first love has always been writing: as a child, she cultivated such diverse goals as becoming “a cowgirl and a writer” or “a paleontologist and a writer.” Aside from her salacious affair with the horror genre, she loves to write sci-fi, romance, historical fiction, and short stories. Her day job is in kidney transplant, but other interests include singing, reading voraciously, and period drama movie nights. She lives in California with her absolutely phenomenal cat.
K.J. Drake
K.J. DRAKE is a genderqueer writer dyke who lives in Chicagoland. When not writing queer fiction, they like making out with their partners, walking through the prairie, and ruminating. They can be found on Twitter @nerdwen.
Tobi Hill-Meyer
TOBI HILL-MEYER is an indigenous chicana trans woman with 15 years experience working in nonprofits, serving on boards, and consulting in nonprofit management. She is editor of the Lambda Literary Finalist anthology _Nerve Endings: The New Trans Erotic_, author of children’s books _A Princess of Great Daring_ and _Super Power Baby Shower_, and director of the award winning erotic documentary series _Doing it Online_. Currently, she serves as Co-Executive Director for Gender Justice League.

Title Stepdown

Saturday, March 13, 2021, 5-6pm PT / 8-9pm ET
Details on Facebook
rife & I officially step down from our leather title! Official description: “Come reflect on one of the wildest title years we could never have imagined, and could never have gotten through without you. We’ll have (byo) snacks, a quick video, and maybe do a few icebreaker games. No long speeches, we promise. Just sharing fond memories and making new ones with some of our favorite folks (that would be you!).” It would mean a lot to have y’all there to celebrate with me.

Seducing Your sub: How to Create Erotic Tension and Keep Your sub Coming Back For More with Marla Renee Stewart

Thursday, March 18, 2021 6:30-8:30pm PT / 9:30-11:30pm ET
RSVP on Crowdcast

We’ve been producing D/s webinars each month for the past year as part of our title year, and this will be the last one. Out with a bang!

Description: If you’ve been in the D/s world, you know that some subs can be finnicky on their search for the right Dominant. Finding the sub that works for you takes patience, but most of all it takes the Dominant to pick up on the right cues that would draw the sub in. In this workshop, you’re going to understand how to use seduction to your advantage to get your subs to not only do what you want when you want it, but for them to beg you for more attention and more erotic play time. Whether you are a beginner or a professional, this will help you run the long (and successful) game when it comes to your kinky endeavors.

And coming up after that …

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 – Virtual Reading with Charis Books, Atlanta

March, 2021 Date TBA

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 – Virtual reading at International Ms Leather/Bootblack

Sometime during the IMsLBB online event, 16-18 April, 2021
Details TBA

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6 Kink Books by Black Authors

In honor of Black History/Futures Month, Here are some books about kink, BDSM, and power dynamics written by Black authors.

I’m listing links to Bookshop.org and to Amazon, but please do order them from your local independent (feminist, queer) bookstore, if you can. They’re happy to special order for you, and it helps them stay in business. Might take a little longer than Prime, but to me, it’s worth it to support the special places that are indie bookstores.

These are primarily nonfiction books, and definitely NOT a complete list of all books with kink content by Black authors — just some of my personal favorites. I’d love to hear more recommendations in the comments, if you have any.

Sensational Flesh: Race, Power, and Masochism by Amber Jamilla Musser

Buy it on Bookshop | Amazon

This one is academic and intense, quite dense, but an incredible read. There are so few books written about kink from an academic context at all, and this adds the lens of so many different types of theory over it. I’m still working my way through it, to be honest, but it has been worth reading.

In everyday language, masochism is usually understood as the desire to abdicate control in exchange for sensation pleasure, pain, or a combination thereof. Yet at its core, masochism is a site where power, bodies, and society come together. Sensational Flesh uses masochism as a lens to examine how power structures race, gender, and embodiment in different contexts. Drawing on rich and varied sources from 19th century sexology, psychoanalysis, and critical theory to literary texts and performance art Amber Jamilla Musser employs masochism as a powerful diagnostic tool for probing relationships between power and subjectivity. Engaging with a range of debates about lesbian S&M, racialization, femininity, and disability, as well as key texts such as Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs, Pauline Reage’s The Story of O, and Michel Foucault’s History of Sexuality, Musser renders legible the complex ways that masochism has been taken up by queer, feminist, and critical race theories. Furthering queer theory’s investment in affect and materiality, she proposes ‘sensation’ as an analytical tool for illustrating what it feels like to be embedded in structures of domination such as patriarchy, colonialism, and racism and what it means to embody femininity, blackness, and pain. Sensational Flesh is ultimately about the ways in which difference is made material through race, gender, and sexuality and how that materiality is experienced.

The Color of Kink by Ariane Cruz

Buy it on Bookshop | Amazon

Though Cruz’s work primarily focuses on pornography and BDSM, this book still has a lot of interesting things to share about Black women, sexuality, and kink. Fairly academic, so I found it rather challenging to read, but I appreciated how she is writing from a very kink-positive perspective.

Winner of the MLA’s 2016 Alan Bray Prize for Best Book in GLBTQ Studies. How BDSM can be used as a metaphor for black female sexuality. The Color of Kink explores black women’s representations and performances within American pornography and BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism) from the 1930s to the present, revealing the ways in which they illustrate a complex and contradictory negotiation of pain, pleasure, and power for black women. … Based on personal interviews conducted with pornography performers, producers, and professional dominatrices, visual and textual analysis, and extensive archival research, Ariane Cruz reveals BDSM and pornography as critical sites from which to rethink the formative links between Black female sexuality and violence. She explores how violence becomes not just a vehicle of pleasure but also a mode of accessing and contesting power. Drawing on feminist and queer theory, critical race theory, and media studies, Cruz argues that BDSM is a productive space from which to consider the complexity and diverseness of black women’s sexual practice and the mutability of black female sexuality. Illuminating the cross-pollination of black sexuality and BDSM, The Color of Kink makes a unique contribution to the growing scholarship on racialized sexuality.

The Toybag Guide to Playing With Taboo by Mollena Williams

Buy it on Bookshop | Amazon

Intense little book, all about roleplaying and taboo kink. I have attended her workshop on playing with the taboo multiple times, so I often think of this as her workshop in a tiny, accessible book (though I’m not sure if she thinks of it this way). Excellent resource for pushing psychological limits and diving into your own taboo, safety, and psyche.

For those turned on to giving or receiving power, the hottest fantasies are often those that are the least acceptable — those that mirror historical oppression (Nazism, plantation slavery), crime (incest, ageplay, rape), and other “unacceptable” behaviors. Because these fantasies are deeply charged, they are among the riskiest and most challenging to enact. Yet it is possible, and often very rewarding, to do so. In this guide, Mollena Williams, a Black woman who enjoys roleplaying racism and slavery with the right person, explains ways to safeguard these difficult scenes to ensure the emotional and physical safety of all concerned. With sections on playing with sexual taboos like age and rape, cultural taboos like race and identity, and physical taboos like scat play, this is a thorough and responsible guide to BDSM’s furthest regions.

Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington

Buy it on Bookshop | Amazon

Co-written by Mollena and Lee Harrington, this book is such an excellent welcome to the kink communities. It’s a compilation of the best things someone could share with you at your very first kink event, all in a lovely book form. Wish I’d had it when I started out!

Whether you’re a trembling novice or a jaded expert, there’s always something new to be discovered in the endlessly changing, complex and titillating world of kink. While there are plenty of other books out there that explain how to give a spanking or tie a half-hitch, Playing Well With Others is the first book that explains kink *culture* — the munches, parties, leather bars, conferences, workshops, fetish nights, exploratoriums and all the other gatherings of kinksters that turn BDSM and leather from a bedroom predilection to a lifestyle and a community. You’ll learn to: • Examine your own motivations, needs, wants and desires • Ease your way into established communities • Understand etiquette in different adventurous sex communities • Familiarize yourself with the many types of events available to you • Care for your relationships as you explore new territory • Negotiate for play and aftercare • Go back to the “world at large” without ruffling feathers • …and, of course, answer the all-important question: What do you wear?! The team of Harrington and Williams offers 30-plus years of experience in diverse kink communities: top, bottom and switch; gay, bi and straight; female, male and trans; white and POC. Both former titleholders and international educators, they are an unbeatable pair of “sexual sherpas” with an inimitable voice and a great deal of wisdom. Playing Well With Others is an unprecedented and essential guidebook for anyone who wants to explore or understand the “community” aspect of the kink lifestyle.

Unequal Partnership: a dating guide for loving non-egalitarian relationships by Aisha-Sky Gates

Buy it on Bookshop | Amazon

This is a great text for folks new to consensual authority exchange and setting up relationships with different intentional hierarchies. Amazon claims it is one in a series, but as far as I know, this is the only one so far. Looking forward to more!

Do you want to create a long term and sustainable intimate relationship? Are you already dating or married and want to strengthen what you have? American society assumes that an egalitarian relationship is for everyone but the divorce rate is higher than fifty percent. The Unequal Partnership model has a deliberate consensual power imbalance as the main element of a strong foundation for the couple’s love. It’s an alternative option that might be a better fit for some. Unequal Partners set up a deliberate, consensual power imbalance in the relationship. Their agreements create mutual respect, relationship sustainability, and continuous support for individual growth. Their agreements create a strong foundation for their love and romance. Get your copy of Unequal Partnership now and see what a difference it can make in the pursuit of your and your partner’s personal happiness. Sometimes, an alternative lifestyle choice can be the key to creating a healthy, loving relationship.

To Love, to Obey, to Serve: Diary of an Old Guard Slave by V. M. Johnson

Buy it on Amazon (no actually please don’t, they’re listed at $900+)

Vi Johnson is quite well known and very well respected in leather communities, and this book is an incredible telling of her story. Unfortunately, it’s out of print! But I’ve heard rumors that they are going to re-release it, hopefully soon.

Within these pages are the real life experiences of an extraordinary woman as recorded in her journal. Vi Johnson is one of the most loved and respected women in the leather community. She entered the Leather s/m scene in the 1970’s as a slave. A slave’s duty was to Love, Honor, Please, and Obey, sometimes blindly, often at great personal cost. To own or life the life of a full time slave is, and has been, the stuff of s/m fantasies and erotic stories. The life recorded here reveals the realities, which are quite different from the fantasies. Most of all this is the journey of a woman following her dream.

Got any more recommendations for me? I’d love to hear them.

Have you read any of these books? Let us know your opinions on them in the comments.

essays

Fearless Relationship Inventory, Guest Post by rife

This has been such a difficult year for relationships.

Sir and I have been going through some stuff and decided it was time to take a “fearless relationship inventory.” So while we were off the grid camping at a cabin for two nights with no power or cell service, we sat down and asked each other questions back and forth, with a spirit of open hearted bravery.

I was thinking about how all the cells in your body are refreshed every 7 years. We’ve been together for over 9 years, so it seemed only right to pause and check in and see, since we’re new people, if we were still well suited for each other.

To be honest, it was a scary process to go through, not knowing what we’d find out. But now that we’re on the other side of it, it feels really good to know.

So, i thought the questions we came up with might be useful to others in a similar spot. Feel free to use them and share if you’d like (just make a note of where you found it).

Download the PDF of the questions here.

Some tips to support your process:

  • When you notice defensiveness come up, take a break.
  • When you notice fear come up, take a break.
  • Best if you can devote a couple days to this, with the fewest interruptions possible.
  • If you’re poly, print multiple copies and do it with each of your partners.
  • Turn off the wifi and hide your phones. :)
essays

9 Ideas to Support Your D/s During Hard Times

I’m writing this in February 2021, eleven months after the start of the global COVID pandemic. So when I say “hard times,” of course I am thinking about particular “hard times” — but this could be applicable to other kinds of hard times, too, like going through a grieving process, or when someone has a huge career change, or goes back to school, or a new person comes in to your lives. There are so many kinds of change that can create stress on a relationship.

I’m writing this for myself as much as for you. I have struggled, hard, with staying connected to the authority exchange dynamic that rife and I have, even though I love it dearly, cherish it, and always want to protect it and foster its growth.

Because it’s been such a struggle, I’ve been thinking about and talking a lot with friends about how to support my dominance specifically and our D/s dynamic more generally during this time.

Here are some ideas, mostly aimed at folks who are in a relationship. Hope they’re helpful.

1. Reconnect with your “why”

Why are you in an authority exchange dynamic? Journal about it, dance about it, ponder about it, write love letters about it, make art about it. Re-read your contract (if you have one), revisit the active protocols you have, and perhaps even try some new ones. Why do you have the contract? Why do you have protocols? Set aside some time and really dig in to why you do this. If you can, come up with an affirmation, or a shorthand explanation, that can stand in for your “why” so you can connect to it as needed.

2. Join a group. Don’t have a group? Create one.

Support and discussion groups for authority exchange are so important. Personally, I would not want to participate in authority exchange dynamics outside of community. I need that identity perception and validation from other people, and I also want people to witness how our dynamic is working and what it’s like as part of helping to keep it healthy. Authority exchange in isolation can be dangerous, I believe.

The good news is, so many groups have moved online! There are more things available online now for kinky folks than there ever have been. If you can’t find a group you want to go to, consider making a small group for yourself. Call up a few friends and ask if they want to meet every few weeks or once a month to just support each other and share about your dynamic.

3. Study. Read books, read articles, watch films

There are films, books, and other kinds of art out there about authority exchange dynamics that you haven’t seen yet. Check them out! Perhaps you can listen to an audiobook or a podcast with your partner (if you have one) and talk about it. Perhaps you might want to start a kinky Pinterest board or an Instagram account full of inspirational photos. Perhaps it’s time to re-read the Marketplace series, or check out other erotica or nonfiction writings on kink that you haven’t already read. And maybe you’re the kind of person who would also like to write a short summary of the thing you read or watched or listened to, along with some of your key takeaways and a-ha moments. Having a little film club or writing a book report can be a great way to synthesize and integrate the information.

4. Set aside a date night

If you’re in a relationship, and you don’t already have a date night, make it happen. Set aside time for just the two of you to be together. Maybe you want to have a particular dress code, or particular goals. What do you love doing together? What makes you feel strong in your power dynamic? Make a list. Do some of those things.

I realized recently that I spent quite a lot of time in erotic rituals receiving touch and moving energy through my body, and in the pandemic, I’d primarily been a top. I needed more ritual sex time specifically, not just sex and play time. We have been setting aside time to do that lately, and it has helped.

5. Set aside a check-in

Aside from a fun, play, connective date night, set aside a check-in for your dynamic. Questions I like to ask are things like:

  • What has been the best thing about our dynamic (since our last check-in / recently / this week)?
  • What has been the hardest thing?
  • What protocols are you loving?
  • What protocols are very challenging?
  • What, if anything, could I do to feed this dynamic better?
  • What could you do?
  • Is there anything you’re not telling me that you want to share now?

We like to have check-ins connected with something very pleasurable, like a fire in the fireplace, or a nice walk outside, or special ice cream, or ordering take-out, since sometimes they can be hard conversations. But I always feel better the next day, and it can help to keep the dynamic active and conscious.

6. Attend kink events or classes online

There are so many kink events and classes online now! Check out Wicked Grounds, the BDSM coffee shop based in San Francisco; they are hosting many classes every month. There are multiple groups on Fetlife and Facebook specifically for online BDSM events. I’ve seen people teaching everything from psychological mind games to cigar play to impact to DIY sex toys. It can be fun, educational, and connective. If you don’t see anything coming up that interests you, there’s always Kink Academy — they have literally hundreds of videos already uploaded and ready, in a huge archive.

Perhaps even consider teaching a class or two — there is no better way to get to know a subject than to teach about it.

7. Recommit to your dynamic

Have you been together for a while? When was the last time you updated your protocol, your contract? You could think about having a recommitment ceremony of some sort, either on your own or with friends. Think of it as “renewing your vows” to each other and to the dynamic. Sometimes, looking over things, getting fresh and current with where things are, can infuse new life in to the authority exchange.

8. Ask yourself: What do I need to get into more headspace?

These ideas are mostly relevant to me and my own dynamic, and they might resonate for you, but they might not. Ask yourself: what is it that you specifically need to get into a more dominant or submissive headspace? Is something really weighing on you? Is there anything you can do to lift that burden? Can you get some more support for certain parts of your life that aren’t working so smoothly right now?

9.Consider the Protocol Game

If you use protocol in your dynamic, take a look at the Protocol Game, a simple structure of making 52 protocols (some of them can be duplicates), then pulling one randomly each week for a year. That protocol is the thing you do (or your submissive does) for the week. They can be one-shot tasks, or something to do every day, or at a specific time of the day or week. Take a look at the Fundamentals of the Protocol Game for how to play, and check out the difference between tasks, protocols, rituals, and rules (at least how we define them). If you’re on the Patreon, you already know that there’s a secret Protocol Game project in the works!

Hope that’s helpful, y’all

I’d love to hear from you. How’s your dynamic going? What have you found that has been really helpful during these particular hard times, of the COVID pandemic in 2020-2021?

journal entries

Leather Community During a Pandemic

I attended the FLAME Conference, a general BDSM/kink/leather online gathering, last weekend. rife and I taught one class (“Ownership As A Spiritual Path”), and attended a few others.

It meant so much to be in leather community, to hear people talk about their experiences, to see people dressed up in leather and following protocols (even simple ones). I have a couple of different groups I’m part of, and rife and I are still producing monthly D/s webinars (join the Patreon for more info on that), and I am keeping in touch with various kink friends. But even still: the effect of not being in leather community in person, nor as often, this year has been strong.

It was really helpful to hear other people in authority exchange dynamics talk about how hard this year has been on them. It’s been a hard year on everybody, no surprise there — but there have been particular effects on authority exchange relationships that are harder to talk about with non-kinky people.

The pandemic, generally, has meant that we either see way less of someone, or way, way more. Some folks who were in D/s dynamics with someone but had a different nesting partner haven’t seen their D/s partner in months, maybe even almost a year. That can put all sorts of extra stress on the household, with increased COVID risk and more negotiations (which aren’t always smooth). Plus, the D/s partners end up with no place for their D/s identities to get expressed, which can come out with other partners, or other relationships like work, accidentally and unconsciously. They can end up longing for the part of themselves that used to have expression but is now (hopefully temporarily) stunted.

I know we are all feeling this, kinky or not. But I’m particularly curious about the effects on authority exchange dynamics.

On the other hand, there are couples or dynamics like mine, where we live together (and have for a while). We both already worked from home, and have for many years, so we even had an advantage in that we were familiar with coworking from home, cooking at home, and many other skills that others had a huge crash course in this past year. But authority exchange dynamics thrive on having some distance between the people in order to maintain the power imbalance. (Read up on the “power distance index” if you’d like to study this, it’s a well-documented phenomenon. I first saw it in Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers [Amazon | Bookshop.])

Being together 24/7 for a year has given us virtually no distance, which has impacted our authority exchange greatly. It’s easy for us to drop the formalities and act as more of an egalitarian couple. But as I’m sure many of you out there in dynamics know: that can be a huge warning flag, and can build resentment, frustration, and trouble for the stability of the relationship.

It’s been hard, y’all. My dominant headspace has been poor at best, our dynamic has suffered. I often feel completely disconnected from it. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, absolutely; though also a year filled with adventure and support. I’m still thinking about (and working about writing on) the impact of the pandemic on authority exchange dynamics, and pondering how I can support my own, and others.

It means so much to me to be part of a community that practices authority exchange, and I desperately miss the connections and support I — we — used to have. I don’t know if there’s any way to actually replicate it, but I hope we can try.

Featured photo by Teagan

cock confidence

In Search of A Magic Carpet Sex Toy

A few months ago, a friend came to me with a mysterious sex toy and wanted to know if I knew what it was, or, perhaps more importantly, where to get another one. All they knew is that it was probably called something like a ‘magic carpet.’

I did some deep, deep diving into the internet, and I found a reference to a magic carpet from a 1992 article

[image text:] Wildlife was a little lukewarm about what she called “esoteric” sex toys. Like vibrating eggs. And strings of beads that could be inserted into orifices and pulled out. She also had a little maroon-colored pad that reminded me of a flat sponge for washing Teflon or a shoe insert to kill odor and prevent bunions. She called it a “magic carpet” and said it was good for a particular kind of stimulation somewhere, but I didn’t catch it exactly.

… but I could not find this toy. Don’t you want it though!? I got invested in having one for myself as I was researching it. After some pinging of various sex toy aficionados, Metis Black from Tantus recognized it!

It was made by D4D (Dils 4 Does) and you can even read some of that in the picture… and I agree it was a Magic Carpet. It was a brilliant toy to wear when you were strapping on a harness. You wore the small toy inside you against the harness with the “carpet” rubbing your clit. Meanwhile you would of course put another dildo in the harness for the partner you were penetrating.

Unfortunately, with the realization that it was Dils 4 Does brand, we also realized that it’s not being made any more. So, after figuring out the first part of the clue, the next question was: is there any other option? Is there anything still being made that would be a similar design?

Here’s some ideas:

Bumpher Dildo Base

https://shevibe.com/bumpher-soft-silicone-dildo-base-for-harness-play-midnight-blue/#oid=1151_1

Royale Mustang

https://shevibe.com/royale-mustang-vixskin-realistic-silicone-dildo-with-saddle-base-by-vixen-chocolate#oid=1151_1

Fuze Velvet

https://shevibe.com/fuze-velvet-silicone-purple-dildo.aspx#oid=1151_1

Rubbies Max

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/816990403/rubbies-max-adult-toy-sex-toy-silicone

poetry

Preparation

wherever there is a place for you
to rest, to weep, to jerk off

in the middle of the night, or
to get to sleep, I will do everything

I can to make the bed after you are done
to draw your bath, to tend your shoes

at the door. you probably do not know
how much I monitor your moods,

your anxieties, your wishes. I want
those too, sweet and sultry, in the depth

of the dark when you cannot admit what
you want. you can, to me. I won’t judge.

I won’t wish you to be other than what you are.
come. come again. come to me and let’s do

something entirely new. neither of us can
even comprehend it now. we are living

into it, making it up, all we have is raw
dough. make it with me. we can be something

else. who do you want to be? I’ll be
someone else, too. I’ll be new. I’ll be

ready to receive you.

journal entries

Survival Tools for a Pandemic

It’s kind of hard to write about your regular sex, gender, kink, and relationship content, when to be honest, I’m primarily spending my time on hobbies and art and expression.

I’ve heard multiple people talking about how essential hobbies are during sheltering in place and the COVID pandemic, and it’s been absolutely instrumental to me. I’d already started developing a serious study of the Tarot, but that has continued to deepen this past year, and I started to research (and purchase) fountain pens, too. I have written off fountain pens for a while because my handwriting is very small, and the tips tend to be bigger than is comfortable for my handwriting. A few years back, I started asking, are there any smaller options? And ended up with a Pilot Vanishing Point, which, I was told by pen experts at the art store, was the smallest tip possible on a fountain pen.

Now, almost a year after starting to research the fountain pen world on my own, I know that isn’t true — there are a lot of extra-fine tip options. And, beyond that, there are flex nib options, which allow line width variation, and are the 14-year-old in me’s dream come true about calligraphy options. I’m still learning how to write fancy script, but I’ve been spending quite a bit of time on drills and exercises.

I also bought a typewriter recently. Someone (hi) gifted me a typewriter when I lived in New York, and I sold it when I left, which I somewhat regret now but that’s just part of it all. I found a 1936 Smith Corona standard on Etsy recently and bought it, paying the extra shipping to send it all the way to Alaska. It’s been such a pleasure and I’m so excited to use it for more art journaling.

Here’s a video clip, mostly for fun. It literally is just almost fifteen minutes of me writing on it.

Other than the typewriter, the fountain pen and inks, and the tarot (which I’ve written about here a bit before), I’ve been adding more art elements into my journal, particularly with washi tape and a pile of Tim Holtz papers and “ephemera curiosities”, and some other additives, that get glued in to the journal. I’m still “bullet journaling,” as the kids are calling it these days, and while I’m learning a lot from the general “bujo” community (and stealing their ideas), I still struggle to call it that since I was making my own weekly spread before it was commodified like this, and I wish there was another name for it (that didn’t attribute it to a white man “inventing” it). I’ve got a personal Instagram account that has some of these things posted, in case you are interested in this type of art, too.

Some examples:

This is definitely the first time I’m sharing journal pages without sharing what’s on them! But mostly I’m blurring them out not because they’re too personal but because they’re just a lot of me blah-blah-blah-ing, I’m saying “I like this ink in this fountain pen but I wish the line was thinner” or “I don’t know what to write about”. After writing here for almost 15 (!!) years, there is little that is too personal, but this is too … casual? Too much blah.

As someone who has dabbled in the solopreneur-entrepreneur-creativepreneur-make-your-entire-life-into-a-business thing, it was years ago that I realized I needed hobbies in addition to my work, and I’ve been actively pursuing things that weren’t just related to this website and my online projects. But COVID has been a new level of
focusing on hobbies, for me, not just because I’ve had a bit more disposable income (yay!) because I’ve been living in a family home since July (yay for no rent, boo for no community). I am grateful to have this as an option, though it’s been very hard to be far from my queer chosen families in Seattle and San Francisco, and I miss … everything.

I have loved paper crafts and hobbies about pen and inks for a long time, since high school, or even before, but I’ve been taking it to a new depth this year, and that’s felt really good. I’m leaning on them, creating things, writing, putting colors and styles together in a way that I’ve never done before. I don’t know if they’re going to “lead anywhere,” or if they’ll be useful here, or if I’ll ever use them for something, or even share them. But I’m really glad to be practicing these skills and hobbies, even still.

event

What’s Happening in February (and Beyond)

Here are the upcoming events!

Feminist Erotica Podcast Book Club featuring Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5

Friday, January 29, 4:30pm PT / 7:30pm ET
featuring Rain DeGray, Mary Burns, June Amelia Rose, and Sinclair Sexsmith
Details on Facebook

Ownership as a Spiritual Path – workshop at the FLAME Conference

February 19-21, 2021
FLAME Conference is an online general kink gathering with a focus on power dynamics. We’ll be teaching Ownership as a Spiritual Path, which we’ve done multiple times now and it’s been really fun and insightful.

Description: Some submissives describe their journey as being “monks for love.” Some owners are worshipped. Considering all of the protocol, ritual, symbology, traditions, and ordeals that we pursue, there are many parallels to spiritual traditions. Let’s talk about ways a spiritual path can be incorporated as a model or tool to strengthen your dynamic, and ways that you both can find spiritual value and deep soul satisfaction on the path of your relationship, no religion required! We will share our personal experiences with Buddhism, energetic embodiment, Christianity of many flavors, and spiritual animism and welcome discussion from the group’s diverse belief systems. Ownership can be a vocation; for those of us who feel the pull, it can be a powerful engine for spiritual growth and meaning.

Sex & D/s Discussion with rife & Sinclair

Thursday, February 25, 2021 at 6:30pm PT / 9:30pm ET | Details on Facebook or Fetlife

part of the Leather Couch series we’ve been doing for our title year. Come join us to talk about sex and D/s, how it can be hard to maintain a sexual connection while in a D/s dynamic, or how sex can fuel the D/s dynamic. Let’s talk about sex and libido in D/s relationships: the challenges, the joys, and everything in between.

Virtual reading with Glad Day Books, Toronto

Sunday, 28 February, 2021 | Details on Facebook

Online reading of stories from Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5, published by Cleis Press, Hosted by Glad Day Books, Toronto. Readers TBD

Leather Together, Virtual Ms SF Leather Celebration

Saturday, March 6 | Details on Facebook

rife & I sent a short video in on behalf of out title year, so be on the lookout for that. Description: “We want to CELEBRATE our Vibrant, Alive & Kick-Ass Women’s Leather Community! Join Us for our Online VIRTUAL Zoom Celebration. Highlights include videos from Amazing Clubs & Titles throughout the US, PLUS Video Messages from Past Ms SFL Titleholders, Women’s Porn, SF Snapshots, Socializing & More. LINK TO ZOOM CELEBRATION Event is ASL Interpreted. 12-DAY ONLINE AUCTION from January 28th – February 8th, 2021. Ms SF Leather is NOT having a 2021 Contest due to the Covid pandemic. HOWEVER, we still want to CELEBRATE Caity & her title year. CELEBRATE that we will be back in 2022 with a whole new exciting Contest. CELEBRATE & socialize with our community.

And Beyond …

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 – Virtual Reading with Charis Books, Atlanta

March, 2021 Date TBA

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 – Virtual Reading with Queer Leather Happy Hour, San Francisco

5 March, 2021. Details TBA

Title Stepdown

March, 2021, exact date TBA
rife & I officially step down from our title! There will be parties, or something!

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 – Virtual reading at International Ms Leather/Bootblack

April, 2021

Photo taken by me in Southeast Alaska, of the Mendenhall Glacier, in January 2021

guest posts

Meeting Jason, Guest Post by Marcel Yeung

Content note: rough sex, name calling (faggot, slut), D/s play.

I looked up at him, trying to read his face. I couldn’t tell if he seemed pleased with my performance, but his eyes held mine with an intensity that both reassured me and frightened me. My hand stroked his cock again, a shimmering strand of saliva still connecting it to my lips, red and thick from my efforts. I gasped involuntarily as he roughly jerked me to my feet and bent to kiss me. His tongue invaded my mouth, claiming it again as he had with his cock. The girl part of me fluttered and squealed inside, so happy to have his attention, to receive his dominance. I would do anything he wanted at this moment, absolutely anything, despite the fact I had just met him.

“You’re my kind of boy,” he growled, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips. “Follow me.”

I did as he commanded, following meekly but bursting with excitement. My cunt was slick with anticipation, my mind racing with possibilities. I was swooning over his broad shoulders, his jeans skimming over narrow hips that I had just gripped as he pounded his cock into the back of my throat. This is so what I want, I thought, I am such a lucky fag. The street lights laid an amber glow over the quiet city. I had no idea what time it was. Hopefully plenty of night left, I thought, and chastised myself for being such a dirty slut. I desperately wanted to give my every fiber to this beautiful trans man, to let him fuck all my holes, to submit to his desire to tear into my willing flesh and use me for his pleasure.

The jangle of his keys jolted me from my fantasies. “We’re here, boy,” he said, fixing my wide brown eyes with his. I must have been completely transparent in my lusty excitement, because he chuckled as he looked back at me.

“You were born for this, faggot,” he grinned. “Get in here.” He shoved me against the wall of the entryway as he locked the door.

“You came here willingly, and by that I’m going to assume that you are mine to use tonight.” I nodded, my breath coming quickly through parted lips. I was getting scared, but my clit was throbbing insistently in my jeans. God I wanted this man like I had never wanted anything else. His face was serious as he pressed his palm to my chest, his thumb lodging under my collar bone, pinning me hard to the wall.

“Here are the rules, boy. I do whatever I want to you. You might not like it, but you’re here to please me, so you will do what I require. You will call me sir. If you want me to stop, you have only to say ‘stop’. That is the one directive you may give me, and I will do so immediately. But if you do not say stop, you are mine to do as I please. I won’t do anything that will hurt you for more than tonight. But I will fuck you, hard. Do you consent?”

I swallowed, consumed by his rich brown eyes. “Yes, sir,” I whispered, feeling energy zinging crazily inside me, like my skin could barely contain it.

He smiled a full, stunning smile and released me from the wall.

The apartment was small and dark, and he led me through the cramped living room to the bedroom in the back. Light from a streetlight painted the shadows of burglar bars onto the curtains covering the one small window. He turned and looked at me, but the smile was gone. I felt a sudden chill raise the fine hairs on my arms. This might have been a colossally stupid idea. What had I gotten myself into? He suddenly grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to him. I was off balance and under the spell of his muscular body.

“Let’s see what I get,” he murmured, “let me see this boy, my very own boy, my dirty cocksucking faggot slut.” His long fingers were nimble as he unbuttoned my shirt, button by button. I trembled under his touch, eyes down. He slid his hands lightly under the shoulders and lifted it off me, letting it fall to the floor. He made a sound of approval, tracing my jawline with his fingers, dropping them to the hollow at my throat and along my collarbone, slowly down across my bra, where my nipple strained against the cotton fabric. One arm around my back, he grabbed my breast with his other hand hard, eliciting an involuntary moan as my back arched into his hand, lust crashing over me. My knees abruptly went weak and I was glad for his support otherwise I might have collapsed. He pulled the bra off over my head and bent to take my nipple in his mouth, sucking and pressing with his lips at the same time.

He walked me backward a few steps and pushed me onto his bed. “You are mine, boy, all mine,” he said. The weak light from the window cast him all in angles. Cheekbone and jaw, shoulder, tricep.

“Yes sir,” I gasped, “oh, please sir,” and he was upon me, claiming my mouth with his as he ripped my pants open and shoved his hand inside my briefs. It was all I could do not to come at the first touch of his fingers, as he opened my dripping wet cunt and pressed my throbbing clit against his hand. I bucked against him, crying out.

“Take these off,” he commanded, and as fast I could, I stripped off my jeans and underwear to be naked for him. He pulled his cock out, forcing my legs open with his knee, moving on top of me like a tiger on top of its prey.

“You’re gonna take my big cock, boy,” he said, “I can tell this is all you want, to be a hole for me to fuck. Give me everything, you slutty little faggot. It’s all mine, you’re all mine to take.”

I gloried in his words, lifting my hips to meet his thrusts, crying out as he pounded into me. His cock was so big, so hard, it was overwhelming and I couldn’t help myself, I came in huge convulsions around him, my nails digging into his back.

“Oh fuck, sir, ohmygod, fuck, please sir!” My words disintegrated in the torrent of sensation, eroding into sounds I didn’t recognize. He didn’t stop, but fucked me hard and fast, his cock ravaging my hole. Colors exploded in my vision and I thought I was going to pass out, gasping unintelligibly my adoration of him. He pulled me to the edge of the bed, standing up and lifting my legs to his shoulders. He held my hips up and rammed his huge cock into my swollen pussy, his furious pace accelerating impossibly until he roared his orgasm like a nuclear reaction fusing his body to mine.

Afterward I clung to him, surprised by the sobs that he had wrung from me. I shuddered as hot tears ran down the sides of my face, tickling my ears. He held me, his cock still lodged inside me, crooning, “That’s my good boy, you didn’t hold back, you gave me everything. Your tears are beautiful, I accept them. Yes, you’re mine, you’re mine. I’ve got you, boy.”

And I am still his, after all these years.

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Content Notes for Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 (Warning: Spoilers)

There are 17 stories in Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5, and here’s a little bit about each one. Hopefully this will give you a sense of the types of stories to see if it’s the type of things you like. If your favorite thing is missing, would you let me know in the comments, or send me an email — I’d love to know about it, and maybe I can get something into the next volume.

Needless to say, this will contain spoilers and details about the stories! Stop reading now if you want to be surprised! Included are the genders of the characters, types of sex acts, types of issues that they grapple with.

Let’s get to it.

1. Max and the Things I Couldn’t Say — Heart

Narrator and lover both use she/her pronouns and narrator is called “girl.” Butch/femme. Narrator ponders her submissive, masochistic fantasies, but the lover is mostly vanilla. They play-fight. Very sensual.

2. On a Hot and Humid Night — Mx. Nillin Lore


Threesome with the narrator (they/them), Max (they/them), and Kate (she/her). Polyamorous, exhibitionist, outdoors. The narrator is nonbinary AMAB person who uses the term girl cock (as does Mx Nillin for themself). (Note: I’ve seen critique of the book saying that “nobody uses the term “girl cock,” but that just isn’t true. This is an #ownvoices piece, coming from the perspective of someone who has come to use that term for themself.)

3. Whatever I Want, Whatever I Say — Sinclair Sexsmith

Butch/femme, D/s. The characters genders aren’t described in depth, but you could read this as the “Sinclair” character as the narrator, so that person would be nonbinary and the submissive is a femme. Open relationship, “borrowing” another person’s submissive for a scene, some dirty talk, mostly teasing.

4. Pure Energy — Giselle Renarde

Bisexual, two women characters, polyamorous. The erotic scene happens through energy rather than direct touch.

5. Three Options — Nicole Field

D/s with the characters called “Miss” and “angel,” using she/her pronouns. Asexual spectrum, with some discussion about what that means for the characters and how they navigate sex.

6. Blood — Anita Cassidy

Both characters use she/her and are described as women. The scene starts with a call and request to come over, and then it’s discovered that both women are menstruating, and they explore what it’s like for blood to be present during sex.

7. A Night Out — Amanda N

The narrator is wearing a dress and the lover is wearing a strap-on, but their gender isn’t clearly identified. You can infer butch/femme from it, though it could easily be two nonbinary people. (Ask Amanda, when we do an author Q&A.) The scene includes going out into public at a bar, flirting with someone else, and having jealous, possessive sex together at the end. Some D/s components.

8. The Supplicant — Michelle Osgood

Narrator is described as a girl. Lover’s gender isn’t specific. Sex takes place in a shower, and it seems like stranger sex, but one gets the impression they do this a lot. Lover has a strap-on, and a straight razor, and shaves the narrator.

9. Torrent and Tumult — June Amelia Rose

Author is bipolar, and both main characters in this piece are bipolar as well. D/s story with two trans women; the dominant is called Mistress. Includes punk rock, Brooklyn, AA/sobriety, chastity, spankings with a paddle, blood. Descriptions of kink as a healing practice.

10. The One Penis Policy — Tobi Hill-Meyer

Narrator is a trans woman, dating a cis woman. The cis woman lover has a husband and is bisexual, and their open relationship agreement is a “one penis policy.” The characters sort out what that means for them. Descriptions of sex and orgasm. Written by a trans woman.

11. The Summer of Strap-Ons and Sodomy — Rain DeGrey

The two characters are professional dominatrixes who meet through a client, and fall for each other, having a short and intense relationship. Descriptions of the sex work session, an orgy, pegging, a Hitachi magic wand vibrator, rope bondage. Written by a former sex worker.

12. Strand of Pearls — Mary Burns

Narrator and lover are described as women, using she/her pronouns. Colleagues-to-lovers. Features strap-on sex, butt plug, a straight razor, shaving, and alcohol.

13. Restraint — Kiki DeLovely

D/s, Sir/girl, butch/femme. Service, blow jobs, cock sucking, spanking, masturbation, permission for orgasm, orgasm denial.

14. I Wouldn’t Be the Same Without Her — Kathleen Lamothe

One night stand. Narrator and lover are trans women, lover is a little older and more experienced and teaches the narrator. Some scene-based D/s, bondage, orgasm control; lover requests to be called Ma’am. Some discussion of alcohol and AA.

15. Yes Ma’am — K.J. Drake

Narrator is called ma’am in the D/s context but admits to being uncomfortable with other gendered words, I would classify as non-binary (but we should ask KJ). Lover has she pronouns and generally reads as a woman. Sex scene includes restraints, oral sex, strap-on. A safeword is used, and characters check in about it. KJ included this content note: implied consent within an existing relationship, dominance, breath play, orgasm control, fluid-bonded sex.

16. The Estranged — GB Lindsey

Two women, she pronouns. Narrator identifies as grey-ace, on the asexual spectrum. The story is former lovers processing feelings, and reunited sex, including fingering.

17. Owning a Cock — Amy Butcher

Opens with a Dr. Seuss-like poem! And proceeds into a meditation on dyke cock of all kinds. Descriptions and memories of a blow job, and brief descriptions of sex.

Well, there you have it: Volume 5.

I’m really proud of the different kinds of nonbinary and trans representation, and of the asexual and greysexual content in this book. What is probably obvious to you, and it’s definitely obvious to me, is that there are some voices missing, particularly Black women and nonbinary authors, but also people of color in general. There are a few authors and characters who identify as POC in this anthology, but not nearly as many as I would prefer. I’ve been working hard this year to build up my connections with BIPOC erotica authors, and to do research and read the BIPOC authors who are out there already. If you have any favorites, please let me know, I’d love to read more and I’m still learning. I am working hard to get more of that to happen in Volume 6 and I would appreciate any suggestions you have for connecting in with Black queer women and women of color who are writing erotica.

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Countdown to Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, Volume 5!

Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year Volume 5 comes out on December 8th!

Here’s what’s out there so far.

Talking to Bex & Kate on the Dildorks!

I’ve been on the Dildorks podcast before, and Bex and Kate are always so fun to talk to. I feel like we could chat much longer than we do — always a good sign. Here’s our chat specifically about Best Lesbian Erotica, but also about a dozen other things.

Teasing the full book …

With some lovely images from Cleis Press! Thanks for making these pull quote samples from each story in the book.

Interview & Review on Between Our Thighs

Check out the podcast interview over on Between Our Thighs, and read their review, too:

While the apparent observation of Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, Volume 5 is that it offers an overall feel of sexual exploration, it goes beyond just that. As Sexsmith describes in the collection’s introduction, “The characters in this book explore all kinds of erotic encounters, finding refuge, finding connection, and finding themselves.” Each new story, each new character introduced to, provides you with a new outlook on sexual exploration, personal desires, and the many facets of human sexuality and attraction.

Happy Hour and upcoming Book Club on the Feminist Erotica Podcast

I joined Princess, Karen, and Jera from the Feminist Erotica podcast on one of their happy hour chats, and though I was embarrassingly late, it was a great conversation and I’m grateful for all their questions and thoughtful ideas. Looking forward to digging in to their whole season 1, where they explore what “feminist erotica” even means. Best Lesbian Erotica will be their January book club pick, so get a copy and come join us!

Speaking of getting a copy …

Want your copy signed? Get it in my own store.

I set up a shop here on Sugarbutch which includes my books, the things rife has made, and some other goodies. It doesn’t have everything, it’s still missing the pronoun magnetic pins that we made with leather vests in mind, and it’s missing items from The Kink Store that we set up on Etsy through Printful. I’ll get those imported eventually. Meanwhile, though, if you want a copy of BLE v5 autographed, you can get it in my little store, and if you want to add on BLE v4, it’ll be a discount for both of them.

More to come!

Including some online readings for the book. Stay tuned!