I often get asked about how to start playing with strap-on sex, how to get your partner to stop laughing during strap-on sex, how to take your partner’s cock more seriously, how to strap it on and not feel like an idiot.
I’ve written a lot about my own experiences here, but I haven’t written a lot of the more straight(ha)forward advice on it – advice seems so variable based on the individual situation, so it’s hard to distill. So, here’s some of the ideas about cock-centricity, cock confidence, and taking butch cock seriously.
For the record: there are many femmes who strap on, many genderqueers who strap on, many who have a cock and don’t call it “butch.” I don’t mean to butch-centricize the gender play, but it is my own experience and that’s primarily the perspective of this writing project of mine. So, for the purposes of this post I’m writing it from the perspective of the butch as the wearer, and the femme as co-conspirator to this gendered sex play. But hell, some of the most skilled strap-on wearers I’ve ever seen were femmes – I certainly do not intend to leave anyone out!
- Call it a cock, dick, prick, pecker, schlong, johnson, even penis. But don’t call it “fake” – it’s not. (Calling it a “dildo” or “plastic” aren’t really turn-ons, either.)
- Touch it. Caress it, taste it, lick it, kiss it, suck it, fuck it. Treat it like it’s a part of me – it is.
- It’s not silly to suck butch cock. (I mean, sure, laughing during sex is fun – but really? If you giggle through the blowjob? I’ll probably loose my hard-on, especially if that’s what you’re laughing at.) I have plenty of nerves in my cunt that I can feel when you press it against me; you have plenty of nerves in your mouth where I can fill you, can slap against your tongue, pop into the back of your throat. And the mental turn-on I get seeing you in that position makes me crazy with desire. Don’t underestimate it’s power.
- As a lesbian, loving butch cock does not make you straight. Let me say that again (and perhaps you should repeat after me): loving butch cock does not make you straight any more than wearing one makes me a ‘man.’ There’s more to an identity than one act. It’s okay to be cock-identified! Just because you don’t to sleep with (bio/XY/flesh-and-blood-penises) men doesn’t mean you have to reject cock from your sex life. Our bodies have holes, and our muscles and nerves respond to them being filled and played with. That’s okay, and you’re still gay as a three-dollar bill, I promise.
- Consider getting a flesh-colored, realistic-looking strap-on cock. I know this is practically the biggest faux-pas of lesbo-land, as we’re supposed to reject men and therefore penises, and strap-on cocks are only okay when they’re swirly marbled colors or shaped like dolphins, but if you want to play with gendering a cock, consider something more realistic. It will enable you to take it much more seriously. Consider Vixskin (silicone, so you can boil/sterilize it! Feels real – even gives a little in your mouth, mmm), consider a thin leather or barely there harness, consider it yours.
- Packing: do it. It’s hot. Nothin’ like being able to pull your cock out at any time, and I think all y’all know how hot it is to feel it in your pants (or your partner’s pants) all night long. Get the right tools for it, though; you can’t just strap-on with your thick leather harness with all the buckles and belts with your favorite hard cock. My vote is still the infamous Silky, which bends and will fit comfortably close to the body in briefs, but is still hard enough to fuck with.
- If you don’t pack, then you will probably have to navigate That Moment of Strapping On. That can be tricky: the making out starts getting all hot and heavy, and I always felt so awkward even bringing up the idea, especially with someone new – let alone someone I knew well. I tend to use the phrase, “so, can I get my cock out yet?” which gives the impression that of course we’ve both been waiting for it, but it also lets her call the shots if in fact she just wants to make out (or trib, or fingerfuck) a while longer. And! – when it’s you’ve seen that gleam in her eye and it’s time for you to strap it on, don’t be embarrassed, apologetic, or shy. At that point, she’s gotta wait for you to disrobe (possibly) and re-buckle, test the weight between your legs, get comfortable. Don’t rush. Take your time. Savor this part; remember that you’re both salivating at the idea of what’s to come. Let her see you pulling it on and getting it all ready, if you can – that’s part of this whole process of your female body becoming able to fuck her. [And for goodness’s sake, once you’re strapped on, go back to the making out, don’t just attempt to slide it in & start goin’ to town. You already know that, though, right? Right.]
- You don’t have to – and shouldn’t – apologize for liking it, for wanting it, for craving it, for asking for it.
- Muse says: “Femmes who like cock are not unicorns – they’re everywhere.” Same goes for butches who like cock. There is a bit of stigma around gender play in lesbian communities; it might take some work to find someone who understands how to take butch cock seriously. But don’t fret, you will.
- Our gender and sexual identities don’t exist in a vacuum – especially butch/femme, I think, relies so much on the experience of the other complimentary person to bolster and develop and enhance our own identity. So what do you do if you don’t have someone with whom you can play with a cock? You can still play with it and learn to take it seriously – strap-on and learn to jack yourself off. Wear it all day Saturday when you’re cleaning your apartment, running errands. Learn to appreciate the weight between your legs, learn how to shift it right or left when it gets sweaty or itchy or uncomfortable. Give yourself permission to play with it, explore it, even if it’s on your own. Build your own cock confidence!
- This is a particular kink that not everybody likes – and that’s okay. When you’re selling it to someone, remember that it’s an asset of yours, a strength, something fun that you get to experiment with – not a weakness or a bad thing. You’ll find somebody who will appreciate you not just in spite of it, but precisely because of it.
Got more tips for building cock confidence, taking butch cock seriously, or re-valuing cock-centricty? Leave ’em in the comments.
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I love this post. It's the particular mixture of earnest-insightful-hot! that makes me want to jump your bones. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
I wish butch cock — hell, butches in general — were something I ever encountered in the supposedly pansexual alt-sex communities in which I move. I know bi girls are supposed to fuck bi girls, but why must they all be so … femme? If I wanted to fuck a skinny thing with long hair and high heels, I'd find a mirror and masturbate. Sigh.
[Honestly, I think it's because there's still so much gender-policing. And yeah, where are the butches in the pan alt-sex communities? Seems we really stick to our own tiny circles – perhaps we've convinced ourselves that it's only safe there, but it also means we're missing out on a lot. And hey, why strictly metaphorically jumping my bones? ;) – ss]
One thing that was hard for me at first with my butch partner was not having any clue what to do. I'd never been a man and as a femme top had only experienced strapping on from the non-wearing end once or twice, and I had never considered the oral aspect of it before becoming involved with her. It made me feel quite self-conscious at first, which is probably a pretty common sentiment.
Great post!
love this post!
as a newbie to strapping on, it's been a wonder to experience learning so many new turn-ons. i had assumed before that it wearing one, being fucked by one, would feel artificial, like a poor substitute. there is nothing quite like a stiff, warm, flesh & blood, nerve-infused penis inside an aroused vagina (if that is something one enjoys, and welcomes, and i certainly have done both over the years). i'm so glad to discover that strapped on cocks are hot as hell, too! just their heat rises from a different erogenous zone in my head. i esp. was surprised & turned on by my gf going down on me wearing. have mercy! that just messes with my head in the most nearly unnervingly arousing ways. one of the biggest revelations for me was realizing how differently i go about sex with a woman than with a man, authority & motivation being primarily the most different. how curious to go from being the impaled to being the impaler! from being the receptive, plumbed, invaded taken to being the thrusting taker. i think maybe there is some universal lizard brain response to the act of sexual hip thrusting, regardless of biological parts. it's wired in before the chromosomes start splitting into clits or cocks. maybe it's cellular memory, a distant echo from the sperm riding in during our own conception.
[Oh yeah for sure, there's such a remembrance of that experience somewhere in our brains. Maybe sex acts aren't gendered so much as they are just a part of the human experience? Fascinating. – ss]
hallelujah. this is some important work you're doing, Sin. I'm all about empowering, enabling, worshiping butch cock, which is the only cock that's ever gotten me off. and oh, how it gets me off. xo
This post really just makes me want to drop to my knees and suck off some butch cock.
One of my favorite musicians was packing when I saw her last and I thought my brain (cunt) was going to explode.
[Oh that's hot! Who was it? How'd you know she was packing – was it visible, or did she talk about it? – ss]
YAY! It took me several years, and several butches, to be able to admit that I am a super queer femme who LOVES BUTCH COCK!! It can be hard to get over that shame of wanting (needing) something you've been told you should be rejecting. I feel lucky for finding butches who have been so generous with this desire, and i think they feel pretty lucky for having found me, as well….
I'd add that once you've been someone's sexual partner for a little while, you can talk about how often you want cock. My butch and I like it all of the time, but she likes to be hard (another good way to talk about "strapping on") even when there's no penetration. She usually comes to me hard, because she knows i love touching her cock, and that also saves on the stopping and starting aspect…
I'd also add that both partners need to remember that shame around cock haivng and wanting goes both ways- all of the buthces i've known have been shamed for having one ("fucking like a man") and i've been shamed for getting off on it ("wanting a man"). We all need to be a little gentle and patient with each other, sometimes, around this.
[Well said, thanks for adding that. – ss]
Though my partner and I have not experimented with strapping on yet, I imagine that That Moment of Strapping On would be incredibly sexy. Taking a moment away from making out to intentionally prepare for a further round of sex seems just so hot to me. Of course I would want to watch her strap on!
However, I do think that the self-consciousness would be hard to get over (we haven't done it yet!) — people are so conditioned by society to think of sex as only one thing — and us lesbians have developed all different sorts of ways to get it on (redefining sex as not necessarily involving a bio penis) — so to deliberately 'mimic' a societal norm like straight sex seems weird. Until you take a step back and remember that it's really two women and a sex toy, which means whatever we want it to mean, and has the power we decide to invest in it. It's really about making a choice, which is none of anyone's damn business!
[Definitely agree, it's about choice, and it means whatever we want it to mean. Well put! – ss]
It was Lyndell Montgomery, who was touring with Ember Swift a few months ago. She was part of a group with Ivan E. Coyote about 10 years back and they wrote Boys Like Her. I noticed because it was pretty obvious and I was sitting right where I'd get a good eyeful.
[Ahh, yes I've seen her play with Ember Swift once upon a time – and Boys Like Her has that great book, though I never saw them perform together. Lyndell is so impressive on her violin! I should get on her mailing list or something, it's been a while. Thanks for reminding me. – ss]
I'm sorta-bi (or something) and I've strapped on with a boy for sex and with girls for show. Gawd it's hot.
I think I'll take your suggestion about spending an entire day cockified. 'Course I'll prolly have to get off like 30 times that day…oh well!
Excellent post…while my one experience getting fucked with a strapped on cock was a disaster, it is certainly something toping my list.
And I looooove sucking cock. Butch, femme, genderqueer. Mmmm. Ain't nothing wrong/hetero-centric with that.
Also, this is how the convo ACTUALLY went:
"What did you do today S?"
"Well, my co-worker and I drank penis tea, and then oh yes, this hot NYC Butch had me putting my hands over her cocks to find the perfect one. And then I came here to teach you!"
excellent! loved this. i just wrote an entry about sucking cock. it's so good to read your entry now.
another option for "that moment of strapping on," my girl sometimes would have me put it on her. hot. then you don't really stop what you're doing to strap on; it's just part of what you're doing.
that said, nothing wrong with a little anticipation. hell, if you're a shy about putting it on, i always liked the "stay here" or "don't move" and her going away to put it on ;)
Fascinating. Utterly so. No word of a lie.
I am surprised to read the word "shame" in the comments from both butches and femmes who love butch cock. Just surprised.
Frankly the biggest turnoff for me as a femme who loves butch cock is when butches don't take their own cocks seriously and make a joke out of it like they've just put on high heels and fishnets and are prancing around. If they don't believe in their own cocks, how is anyone else supposed to? It's yours, own it. If you own it, I will love it.
firme post! im stroking my butch cock now just reading these femme comments ;)
its a turn on when my girl grabs mine n sticks it in her!
CALIENTE!
I love this article. Thanks for posting it. I think a lot of people, even butch and gender queer folks, harbor hang ups about strap-on sex. I’m particularly glad you mentioned points #1 and #5. The woman I am currently seeing considers herself uber gender queer and a master of sexual freedom, but when we first hooked up, she was consistently ragging on me for feeling “one” with my cock and for having a flesh colored one (with nuts and all) instead of a non-representative dildo (like her dolphin). Needless to say, after a few rides, she’s come around.
Soooooooooo hot. I’d love to buy my girlfriend a Silky as she can’t pack with a regular cock and it’s frustrating both of us. This looks like the perfect (suckable) solution. Does anyone know of a UK supplier or a US supplier who will ship to the UK? The Eden Fantasies link above says that Silky is discontinued… :-(
My hat off to you my friend. This is the first time I have EVER seen any post like this. This is the greatest post ever. It’s about time someone put this out there and this post has won you yet another new subscriber.
Thank you
Amazing post. Thank you for saying all the things I needed to hear.
Appreciating this post as I sort through my desire as a femme in the world. I feel like there are so many politics to sort through when it comes to wanting to be fucked, and like there are leveling up stages in dating/sex before strapping on. Can’t a girl just get some?
Thanks for giving me the courage and
permission to accept my own desires, by showing me it’s allowed and really sexy. I’ve been so confused by contradictory feelings and external pressure. I’m proud to announce that liking to grind against, suck, and be fucked with a (hand-held) cock doesn’t make me less of a lesbian. And neither does my excitement and anticipation when I discover someone is packing – especially with me in mind – something about it being deliberate and public is so hot. And saying *no* to the penetrative thrusting of a strap-on, even if attached to a delicious butch, doesn’t make me less of a femme, or mean that I’m less open minded or less kinky. If I look like I’m not taking it seriously, it’s actually because I’m scared of me not being able to cope with it being serious, especially if it leads to uninvited moment-killing flashbacks, that disappointed look on my partner’s face, or (even worse) me forcing myself to do things I’m not ok with. I’ve tried a mountain of shapes/sizes/colors, positions, combinations with power play and other roles, top or bottom, etc etc but after reading your honest, shameless post, I think I can finally honestly, shamelessly admit that it’s ok to have hard limits. I am interested to hear if there are suggestions for how to talk about all this to my partner – she knows all this information but I know she wishes for something different and hopes things will change and keeps trying to make it happen. I’ve suggested she find someone else for satisfying this one need of hers but she hasn’t done it. Have any of you encountered this kind of scenario, with a butch who loves to fuck with a strap-on and a femme who will not take it that way… and have you found a good way to move forward?