Okay, some clarifications:
1) Kristen has made it very clear that she’s game to try anal sex, from the beginning, from the very first conversation. That the idea intrigues her, even. She’s very GGG in bed, and if she expressed that she wasn’t so into something (and there have been things she has said she’s not so into), I’d drop it. I’d never push her to do something she didn’t want to do.
2) We talked about this before and after this post went up, and she was a bit concerned I hadn’t made it clear that she was into it. And, I don’t think I did. Is this clear yet? She has expressed an interest in trying it. But even with both of our expressed interest, we still haven’t quite done it, and I’m not sure why exactly. I thought we’d talked about it various times in depth, but given this post, and the many reader comments, I am realizing we really haven’t delved into it very deeply. I also think my own nervousness is a factor, and the ways that having sex focused on me is really hard for me, which is, ultimately, the main point of this post. Yes, I couched it in other things, because it’s hard to have attention on me, my needs, and my shortcomings. I guess that worked a little too well.
3) Asking for reader contribution here was for two reasons, but NOT as an attempt to convince Kristen that it was a good idea. Not for peer pressure, absolutely not. Not for me to be able to point to and say, “See! Comment #4 says it hurts, but eventually you like it! Just try it!” Hello, no, I don’t do that. The purpose of asking for reader comments was because a) sometimes Kristen feels – and I do too! – very validated seeing her own trepidations and hesitations shared by other people, and I thought that perhaps if someone expressed their own experience with it in a way she identified with, we’d have some starting points to discuss the parts of it that were making her – or both of us – nervous, and b) because I like it when readers express their own experiences. I love encouraging that to happen in the comments on this site, I love reading about it, I love how some people that I know well will write a thesis on a particular topic and share their knowledge and write about their story, sometimes things that they haven’t (or won’t) share on their own blog even. One of my favorite posts lately was the “share some sex thing you’ve done / you wish you’d done / you want to do this summer,” because whoa, I have some kinky readers. Y’all are awesome. Asking you for advice is a big big way to encourage those personal stories of experience, so that is what I did.
4) The comment that said “focus more on her pleasure and less on your cock.” You’re a bit misguided. For one, she is into it. For two, I always, always am focused on her pleasure. I know I have been writing less and less about our personal sex life here, and that’s for lots of reasons, the most of which is that my 9-to-5 job is ending and I don’t have access to my site at work anymore, which means I have a lot less time to work on it. But our sex life continues to be fucking awesome, and I wish I was writing up a story every time. As uh, everybody knows, I am very cock-centric, but that does not mean I am not focused on Kristen’s pleasure – or the pleasure of any girl with which I am sleeping. In fact, I am SO focused on their pleasure, most of the time, that I often bypass my own. This is actually a problem, which is the real point I tried to make in this post, but I think it got buried beneath the anal-anal-anal-make-Kristen-try-anal part that seems to have distracted everyone. And, the point is, there is no shortage whatsoever on Kristen’s pleasure. I guess you’ll just have to take my word for that, unless she wants to jump in and write a guest post, but the girl is spoiled in bed, and she gets what she wants. She doesn’t have to ask for anything twice, any toy she wants I either have or can get for her, and I pay a lot of attention to her detailed reactions and responses, and often can tell if something is uncomfortable before she expresses anything. The issue here is not her pleasure at all: it’s mine. That’s what needs some work, in this relationship, and in my relationships in general.
Sorry if someone suggested this already, but here's what I do w/anal virgins: homework. Have her practice on her own, with various sizes of dildos, to accustom herself to the feeling. I'm sure you can see for yourself how this can be made fun for you both; she can fuck herself while you watch, etc. The transition to you actually fucking her ass can go quite seamlessly this way. Have fun!
and there you go.
"Sometimes, as you can imagine, this extends out to me being so focused and attentive to her needs and reactions that I ignore my own" – You would think that it's fairly obvious that between that line and the one where you explain being a "service top" that you are not solely interested in your cock. It was a nasty thing to write.
Dewd, don't sweat haters and baitors, and especially don't give em more airplay. The only reason you are ever a target is because you are visible. I am sure along with the frustrations, the exposure has brought alot of blessings and a good handful of amazing people into your life. Just wanted to send you some encouragement and remind you that our words mean alot to many.
Hang in there and keep writing~!
~Daddy Rhon
it's funny, after reading this, I was like, "yeah… ? was that NOT clear in the original post?" so I had to go back and re-read it. and to me, yes, it was all right there in the original post. maybe it was just clear to me because I get the feeling of just wanting to see others relate? I didn't get the impression you were asking for advice, per se, but rather just… shared experiences.
I think the issue was some folks not reading carefully and immediately making snap judgments.
in any case, oh my god, trying new things (especially things that make me a bit nervous) is SO MUCH FUN (both in terms of the pleasure, but also in terms of the newness, the intimacy of doing something new together, even the nervousness/jitters/apprehension…). I kind of can't wait for you to eventually write about your first delve into anal together.
It's true what they say: Never talk about ass sex during mercury retrograde. :)
Ok – point taken….it wasn't so much clear that she was into it though – especially as you used phrases like "pushing her to do things" which I think distracted (me at least) from the parts where you were voicing your own nervousness around the subject. I think in retrospect maybe you were sort of hiding your nervousness behind hers – and you just did it a little too well.
To be clear my bigger complaint at large is: SM as competitive sport in queer circles…..which as you point out is not what was going on here….but certainly goes on entirely too much in our community.
I know a lot of tops and bottoms who privately fret that they are not "wild enough or experimental enough or cool enough because they can't be double fisted, or DP'd or are monogamous" and that just makes me sad. That makes me feel like the wonderful art of reclaiming queer sex as a personal victory has somehow become more fashion than true desire.
And, yes the ending did make me nervous….because personally I could never enjoy ass sex until I had fully dealt with the fact that my first experience of it came at the age of 3. And if I hadn't had the time to deal with that – not to mention the patience of a loving top- I may never have gotten past that experience to re-claim that part of my body.
Clearly I don't think you would ever put K. in that sort of predicament. Certainly not. But my experience absolutely crafted my response. And you were asking for personal experience….
It seems to me now, after reading this and your last post that you were asking for support and a bit of cheer leading for the both of you – but perhaps that "sm as sport" thing was biting you on the ass there? (no pun intended.) Because the other problem with sm as sport is that it doesn't allow for human processing – it puts tops on pedestals they can't possibly balance on 24/7 and it puts bottoms in a place of faceless receptor and yeah….then a lot of people are not getting the support or experience or fun they need.
So, sorry bud. To smooth over any hard feelings I offer you *BOTH* this story of how I came to love ass sex:
Early in my relationship with my love (this was about 3 years ago,) we came home from a party like any queerlings totally hot for each other and started playing immediately – there wasn't a lot of talking or processing – just a lot of hot clothes being ripped off and me being chucked around a bit (which, yay!)
Kind of before I knew it he was playing with my ass – and it felt good and I encouraged him – and then he was fucking my ass and then I sort of just went away…..I didn't even notice that I was gone, he did. And he said "Where are you?" And I was not there, but could not say so. And without another word he had pulled out and pulled me into his big furry arms and brushed my hair back from my face – and then he pulled a book from his bookshelf and started reading it to me: "Guess How Much I Love You?" The children's book with the bunnies. And the sweetness of that gesture turned into some powerful healing magic and I fundamentally knew who I was entrusting the most vulnerable parts of myself to – and I never went away during sex again. Especially ass sex.
That's not a "holy fucking shit that's so hot and hard core" story. But it's my story and I love it.
I have no doubt the two of you will find your way there. And I still stand by what I said: nothing any of us knuckleheads say should matter more to you than what you say to each other – we don't know you or your relationship – even as you share parts of it with us and we may think we do. Whether it's positive or negative or somewhere in between nothing any of us says matters as much as what you say to each other.
xoxoxo
PS – Mercury Retrograde ends somewhere around October 10th….just, fyi. :)
I have a suggestion re: focusing on your own pleasure.
What if, for a set amount of time, you and Kristen were to do anything you wanted, without you asking her if she was interested in/wanted any of it? Before, Kristen could give you a list of what you absolutely can't do during that time, and pick a safeword. And after that, it's all about what you want til time's up.
Thank you for writing this! It wasn't entirely clear to me either. Consent and personal sovereignty are, of course, imperative to therapeutic sexual exchanges.
Frances, RIGHT ON about SM as a competitive sport in some queer circles. Upping the ante can be a never-ending pursuit fueled by fears of inadequacy–which is not productive, sexually or otherwise.
frances, that's a really great story.
I am a recent reader and I almost never comment but I love so much your heart, soul, depth, and passion, and the intense love and respect you have for yourself, Kristen, and the whole process of your relationship. Frances, your story absolutely takes my breath away. I love this whole blog, post after post, it's so healing and so positive. However you folk process WHATEVER is next, thank you so much for sharing with such underlying tenderness. I wish I could begin to articulate how healing this blog is for me. Thank you thank you thank you.
Frances, I love your story too.
Sinclair, I just came over here from another blog and I haven't read any of your backstory, just this post. But there's a couple of things I'd really like to say to you and Kristen about anal. I'm taking a punt that no one here minds explicit details, but if so then apologies.
Firstly, “focus more on her pleasure and less on your cock” is seriously relevent when it comes to anal, although if the commenter didn't elaborate on that it wasn't a very useful thing to say. But I want to tell you why I agree with it and what I found out about anal for Kristen's sake, so that you can both be reassured if this happens that it is common and totally normal.
Thing is, the ass is nothing like the cunt when it comes to liking the same things a cock likes (I'm sure people on this site with a lot of experience will disagree, but I'm talking to Kristen here who doesn't have that experience). Generally a vagina enjoys a good thrusting in-out motion, and contrary to all the porn I've seen an ass just doesn't, at least not at first and not until a great deal of preperation has been done.
The biggest problem, and the most common one I've encountered with anal sex is that nearly every guy I've met is too eager to get onto the thrusting too fast, because they are doing everything at the same pace they would if they were having vaginal sex. The ass is slower. Waaay slower. Even slower than that. And a bit slower.
She will be most comfortable if you just make gentle circular motions at the entrance with your finger, no in-out motion at all, until her ass is very relaxed – that takes a long time. Then add another finger – slowly, and stay with the circular motions. Do not add any inward pressure at all – her ass will naturally suck your fingers in a bit, but don't help that along. Then when you do move on to the cock it's best if she can control ALL the in-out motion – not you, because no matter how careful you are, cock speed is faster than ass speed.
If her ass is very well relaxed in this way, and she controls the motion (and you can control your orgasm) things should work out well for you both.
Oh, and use heaps and heaps of lube. Spit isn't viscous enough, and most of the month neither is vaginal fluid. And keep your nails short and smooth.
Best of luck to you both.
Oh yeah, having read a bit further I'd like to clarify:
I'm a bi girl, and I can say from experience that everything I've said in my post above is just as relevant to girls using strap-ons as it is to men with cocks. ;-)
Okay, in the interest of sharing experiences, I offer this. I’ve been with my girlfriend two years, and we have great sex. I’ve wanted her to fuck my ass for a while now, though. We’ve talked about it, and she’s willing and somewhat interested, but it still hasn’t happened. Mostly because I developed a weird thing, for lack of a better term, after discussing it her.
The thing is, an essential part of my desire for anal sex is–has been– wanting her to want it. Not just for her to be willing, but for her to want to fuck my ass so bad she can’t stand it. So when we talked about it and her reaction was, well, “sure I’ll do it if it gets you off” with a sprinkling of reservations, the fantasy attached to the act was killed for me.
So I’ve been re-evaluating anal sex: why I want it, what about it gets me off. A lot of it’s physical, and so I know I want to pursue it in my relationship. But part of the appeal for me has always been the “butch girl really, really wants to fuck my ass and I can give it to her” plot line. Having my ass fucked makes me feel vulnerable, and the initial discomfort feels like a gift.
And then along pops up your post, and I’ve been musing ever since about how my real challenge, like yours, is to own my desire. Why does the intellectual part of my turn-on have to be about her wanting it? Why am I having such a difficult time getting hot about anal sex being mostly for me? Is it just that it takes time to re-frame one’s thinking about a sex act, to switch fantasy gears if you will, or is this more work toward claiming my own wants? That’s been a struggle for me in the past, and I have come a long way. But every once in a while I remember that healing takes a lot of time, and it can still be difficult for me to want what I want without feeling insecure.
Anyway, the girlfriend and I have scheduled a holiday of fucking (four days! No six year old or work or school or anything!) in a treehouse cabin in the woods two weeks from now. I’m totally going to get to the bottom of this. ;)
*laugh*
It was crystal clear that Kristen wanted to try it and that you wanted comments to not only turn your exhibitionist kitten on, but to give her other stories to hear.
"focus more on her pleasure and less on your cock" Well, yes – but also, NO. For some, and I suspect your K may fall in this camp, the pleasure you receive from 'making' her, from taking her, from focusing solely on your pleasure, will only serve to heighten HER pleasure. Not always of course, but particularly with this act. Endorphins come spiraling in quickly…..and there is nothing quite like being bent over, a fist tightly holding your hair, teeth buried deep in your flesh, your lover entering you…pushing past your pain and resistance…hearing "you can take it for Daddy, can't you sweet girl?". Probably not the first time….
In response to your post, I have actually tried to formulate an email to the two of you a couple of times in my head. My sexy Butch Top also enjoys anal, to a a degree I am not sure I even fully understand. *blush* I thought that she may enjoy my tales of learning to take her hand there. *blush*
I was definitely open to trying and exploring but was nervous and scared, afraid it would just hurt. I knew I liked it but had negative experiences. It has become much easier as I have learned to relax. Learned to open myself. Give myself completely to her in that way. I can't speculate for K but for myself, an assignment of playing with different toys, etc would not be enjoyable. The power of anal, for me, lies in the control. Being taken. Oh yes, it feels fantastic. I still have a bruise on my arm from biting myself to stifle my screams as I came and came…..but that level of ecstasy doesn't come from a solo act. Of course maybe it will with her.
Oh, you already know but lube is important. Liquid Silk is the bomb. We buy it in a pump, perfect for those who highly enjoy fisting.
Blessings to you both
I can only reiterate what all these clever, wise people have said. Watch the pace, take it slow, HEAPS of lube, lots of foreplay. I started with anal on my back, that way her legs can be up in the air, which leaves her nice and open and she can watch whats going on too. Maybe prop her butt up on a pillow or two, it can help the angle, make it easier on you both, there's the added bonus of being able to see her face as she takes the full length of your cock for the first time and she can see your face too.
One thing though, enjoy yourselves! It really is a lot of fun once you get all the kinks works out (so to speak), and it is such an intimate act, I found it added a whole other element to lovemaking. Its a huge act of trust and faith in your partner. Oh and by the by, once you decide to try it in doggy-style, nothing looks as hot as a willing arsehole, presented and ready for the taking……
I'm late to this party but "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women" by Tristan Taormino is a GREAT read, informative, fun and funny too!
Ok, I’ve been reading and loving this blog for a while, this is a topic I’ve gotta post on. Two things first, though. One, I have no idea how anyone could’ve read your previous post and not understood this was something both of you wanted. It was certainly clear to me, as its been clear throughout everything you write that your relationship, pretty much your whole style, is one of giving and overriding concern for your partner. Second, your comment in this post about wishing you were writing up a story every time….yes. please. yes. The femmes out here in blogland wish you were also lol.
Now for the anal Kristen advise thing. It doesn’t seem the issue is much with Kristen. You’ve said she’s interested, she wants to try it, but she’s nervous. So what? Most of us were nervous the first time, for me most of that fear went away by the fact that I was with someone I trusted, who I knew wanted this. If you’re not sure you are comfortable with the act, or if this is a check off the box I’ve done that thing, anal sex may not be for either of you. Anal orgasms can be great, but I’ve never met anyone who had one the first time. Or the second, or third. Maybe that person is out there, but for me and anyone I’ve talked to (and no, I don’t ask random people on the street their thoughts on anal sex) it was something that felt good, but took time to develop into an orgasm activity. The first few times, and to a lesser degree every time after that, anal sex is a much more psychological interaction that fucking her pussy. Think of it more like a blow job, sure you might feel the pressure against your clit, but really the enjoyment is from seeing her on her knees, with your cock in her mouth. And for her, its just as mental a deal. Anal is like that the first few times. For Kristen (at least for me) it was a the mental idea of feeling that i was giving something up to her, something slutty and sexy, and central to that feeling was the idea that she wanted it. Which is why I said this is more about you. I’ll risk the wrath of the blogosphere here by saying stop worrying so much about how she feels about it and pleasing her. She’s told you she wants to try it, you have her consent, move on to your feelings a bit. Of course you need to be gentle, go slow, lube, lube, lube, but really, you know all of that. You don’t need me to tell you how, you’ve got videos and articles from experts, I’m just some girl who enjoys it lol. What I can tell you is that if you want this, you need to express that to her. Make it clear you want it for you, and it will go a long way towards her enjoyment, because as I said, the first few times its mostly about pleasing your partner. It’s not till later that it becomes more of a sexual than mental interaction for her.
Finally, I said I’d avoid technique, but here it goes anyhow. Go in slow, pull out not as slow. The withdraw is the more natural motion, and it feels good for anal virgins, at least it did for me. Then slowly go back in. This can take a while, but it really is teaching her body a new experience. After a few times, she’ll start to enjoy the insertion as much as the withdraw and fullness of having you in there. The anal orgasms come next, and omg, it’s worth it.
jenn