What’s your relationship with sugarbutch.net and Sinclair?
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I started reading about two years ago when I really started coming out as gender non-conforming and exploring my queer identity. At the time I was in a poly relationship and so a lot of the material resonated with me. I really have always appreciated the open discussions about sex and gender presentation and some of the more utilitarian posts about clothes, etc.
—Alison, http://a1tg.tumblr.com
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I stumbled upon Sugarbutch from a link in an Autostraddle post nearly 4 years ago and immediately spent every waking second that summer reading the entire archive. I felt like I had come home. Not only was someone writing about the sex I had always wanted to have (and that in and of itself had a huge impact on my sex drive and partners and play and whatnot) but they were doing it beautifully and well and consciously.
I still think some of my favorite posts are erotica, but I also know that the theoretical posts have changed my life in a completely literal sense and now that I am growing into my own versions of an alternative gender identity and kinky identity, they are more important to me. But mostly, it’s just the whole thing. Everything you do lets me know that somewhere in this world are people that think like me.
—Roux, http://www.queerlyroux.com
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That would be “Handprints on the Hotel Window.” My girlfriend emailed it to me shortly after we began dating. On out first trip to New York City together, she booked a room that had floor-to-ceiling windows so we could reenact the story. Tres hot. I’ve been a fan ever since!
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I started reading around 4 years ago? Right around when you started writing about Kristen. I was just starting to identify as a femme and was desperate for anything anyone was writing. I’d read your posts praising femmes over and over again, reassuring myself that this identity I was claiming was real and true and that someone, some day, would want me. And I mean your smut really helped me get through several stressful days during undergrad…
—Emily, https://twitter.com/EmLuft
What advice would you give your younger self about sex, gender, or relationships?
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You’re allowed to want things, even if you feel like your partner doesn’t. That doesn’t make you bad or wrong or broken. There are other people who will like you and also enjoy those things. You don’t have to be perfect, and making mistakes can only lead to improvement and giggling. Gender is hard and exhausting, and you are never going to satisfy anyone but yourself. So have fun and try not to talk other people’s opinions too seriously.
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Women appreciate authenticity. Don’t ever tone yourself down because you’re scared you’re too butch. Also, there is more than one femme in the world, even when it feels like the only one was the last one.
What one resource has had the most impact on you, and why?
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The book Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe by Fannie Flagg. Something about that book grabbed me when I was in my early 20’s…I read it 5 times in one week after I bought it. It was the dynamic of Idgie and Ruth’s relationship. The people, place and setting of the book, drastically different from my life, but very similar in other ways. The way Idgie and Ruth lived, spoke to each other, the activities they participated in , the running of their cafe. I still read that book once a year (sometimes more) and it is always like visiting an old friend. In my mind I greatly embellished their relationship, which is left a bit ambiguous in the book, and maybe that is why I keep going back.
—April
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Stone Butch Blues. I was sixteen, not out to my parents, and it was the first queer book I’d ever read. It changed everything in my life. I learned that “butch” wasn’t a dirty word, that (somewhere?) there were women who might like me, and, most importantly, that people like me had a history.
Anything else to add?
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I think you seriously underestimate the amount of people in this universe who have ridiculous crushes on you.
—Roux, http://www.queerlyroux.com
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I’m so excited to see where Sugarbutch is going to go in the next months and years. I’ve read this site for years and never commented-truly embodying “lurker syndrome.” But this website and your writing has meant a lot of important things to me at different times in my life, and I’m grateful to see a rededication to it from you. Thanks for all that you do and give. It does not go unappreciated-I promise.
—Emily, https://twitter.com/EmLuft
Fried Green Tomatoes was actually crucial to my coming out. I loved the movie. I was 14 or 15, messing around on Prodigy in the early days of the internet, and found a post in a forum where someone described Idgy and Ruth’s relationship as lesbian. I balked, saying that there was no way that was possible, that clearly the writer didn’t understand the nature of a close female friendship in the South. I was gently advised that the relationship was fleshed out a little more in the book, and that I shouldn’t be so defensive, all while that one scene flashed through my mind over and over, the birthday kiss in the water… Within days I had the revelation that those feelings I was having for girls were not something I could ignore.
Wow, fantastic! I remember watching it and reading it too, but I don’t remember it being any awakening for me. Kind of fascinating, what speaks to us and what doesn’t. This discussion makes me want to go back and read it again, though.
Also, I love how common it is for us to be SUPER over defensive about queer stuff before we come out. That definitely happened to me too. I was completely convinced that the rainbow stickers people put on their cars were about *diversity*, not gay stuff specifically, and used to have that argument with people. I think it often concluded with, “But … but … there are just SO MANY of those stickers! Not ALL of those people could be gay!” Oh, Sinclair.
Thans Kathleen :)